True Story...

[Sheffields Finest]

The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club!!

 

[one]

Teacher: Today's topic is Photosynthesis. Johnny, what is Photosynthesis?
Johnny: Its today's topic Miss.

 

[one]

I was reversing out of my driveway to drive my kids for their first day of school. I looked at them and said "this takes me back".

 

[Kes]

My wife just left me because apparently I've eaten far too much chocolate over Christmas.

I think this calls for a celebration ....

 

[Sheffields Finest]

A friend of mine has two tickets for this years Play off Final, both in a box with executive seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... ...it's at St Mary's Church, near Bramall Lane at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

 

[Tealeaf]

Mine!!!!

 

[Sheffields Finest]

@Kes,Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangeroot? Ones a large marsupial and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift!!

 

[Kes]

Apparently,

if you visit Jamaica, you'll pay £4.80 for an apple pie.

Journey further out to Cuba, and you'll pay as much as £6.25 for the same.

Over in Puerto Rico, a lime-frosted pie is £3.35

And in Trinidad and Tobago, it'll cost you around £2.50 for a lemon meringue.

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These are the pie rates of the Caribbean. ...

 

[Sheffields Finest]

My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped t'werking. Got to be a bonus point for that one!!!

 

[one]

My ex hated to commute. She preferred twerk from home instead of going clubbing.

 

[Sheffields Finest]

No matter how many times you push the envelope, it will always be stationary!!

 

[Kes]

I went to my doctors recently complaining of hearing problems.

“Can you describe the symptoms?" he asked.

I said "Homer is a fat yellow bloke and Marge has blue hair"

 

[Kes]

I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze - so I gritted my teeth...

 

[Sheffields Finest]

True words them!!!

 

[one]

Why couldn't the watermelon get married? He cantaloupe

 

[one]

And one for you to use tomorrow.

What did the Frenchman give his wife for Valentine's day? (use your best french accent) A hug and quiche!

 

[Sheffields Finest]

Slamming doors, smashing her mug on the table, giving me evil eyes.. Just a few of the things The wife is doing today.
I don't understand it, she said to me last night "Don't forget what tomorrow is’
I've put the bins out , what more could she want ? !!!!

 

[one]

The three unwritten rules of life:
1.
2.
3.

 

[Sheffields Finest]

I know a referee friend who decided to marry a girl called pencil. I can’t wait for him to introduce his parents to his bride 2B.

 

[Kes]

One of the Russian acrobats in our acrobatics team has decided to return home to Moscow.

Now we don't have Oleg to stand on ....