True Story...

[JamesL]

Ha! Reminds me of a Sunday league game I was ref-ing when we had a pitch invasion ….

… by a flock of sheep!

There’s probably a joke in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

I thought of one but it was a bit wooly...

Shaun steps up to take the penalty ... And he's hit the bahhhhh

 

[one]

Ha! Reminds me of a Sunday league game I was ref-ing when we had a pitch invasion ….

… by a flock of sheep!

There’s probably a joke in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

Did you abaaaaandon the game?

 

[JamesL]

Did you abaaaaandon the game?

Missed a trick didn't ewe.

 

[one]

Missed a trick didn't ewe.

No way. I'm not a kid.

 

[Viridis1886]

Just messaged my uncle to see if he knew the safest way to lift a heavy box. He texted straight back.

 

[JamesL]

I got talking to a guy in a bar and he said he was a big pop star in the 80s, I thought he was lying, but he was adamant

 

[one]

I got talking to a guy in a bar and he said he was a big pop star in the 80s, I thought he was lying, but he was adamant

I knew him. I rented a house to him and his nine children. They were the tenants.

 

[santa sangria]

A bloke rang me up the other night, quite stuffy, affected voice, confused me at the time. He started blithering on: “I’m the dandy highwayman that you’re too scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention.” I tried to tell him he had the wrong number but he was adamant.

Much better 2nd house as my father used to say!

It only took 4 years to come round again @JamesL

 

[Kes]

Much better 2nd house as my father used to say!

It only took 4 years to come round again @JamesL

29 May 2018. Post #144.

3rd time lucky eh?

 

[santa sangria]

29 May 2018. Post #144.

3rd time lucky eh?

ROTFLMAO Touché!

 

[Kes]

After my wife died I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say it was worth it.

 

[Peter Grove]

The more I hear about inverse proportion, the less I like it.

 

[Kes]

My mate Dave, who has Parkinson’s, was arrested on Saturday after trying to shoplift a tambourine.

 

[Kes]

Bit of help needed here please guys ...

My wife has sent me out for a baby monitor but I can only find iguanas.

D'you think that'll do?

 

[RefereeX]

Bit of help needed here please guys ...

My wife has sent me out for a baby monitor but I can only find iguanas.

D'you think that'll do?

Had to google to check if a monitor was a type of lizard after approx 20 seconds of pondering... 4/10.

 

[one]

My mate Dave, who has Parkinson’s, was arrested on Saturday after trying to shoplift a tambourine.

I know the guy. He once said he used to shave his testicles with razor blades. But after he got Parkinson's he doesnt have the balls to do it anymore.

 

[Kes]

Had to google to check if a monitor was a type of lizard after approx 20 seconds of pondering... 4/10.

To be fair, the joke wasn't really aimed at the uneducated L3 cohort.

 

[Kes]

During a school football match, the PE teacher called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded "Yes".

"So," he continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, swear at/attack the referee, or call him rude names. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the pitch so that another child gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your PE teacher a stupid a*sehole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the PE teacher, now go over there and explain all that to your mother please."

 

[Kes]

A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.

The nurse asked the rabbit: “What is your blood type?”

“I am probably a typo”, said the rabbit.