Mindset / psychology advice

I'm interested in tips on keeping a positive mindset.

Some context: I reffed two matches for my local club this weekend (U12 boys and U16 boys). Both relatively challenging, which why I was asked to ref (as some of our younger refs have had negative experiences with these teams). In the first match, the away coach was abusive after the match had finished. And I've submitted a report, as has the home coach. In the second match, I issued five cards - all totally justified - and after the match the away manager came up to me and said: "That was never a 5 card match", to which I replied "Thanks for your feedback and good luck for the rest of the season."

I'm quite self reflective, and am happy overall with how I reffed both matches. There's a couple of things I would have done differently (cautioning the manager in the first match; double checking a penalty decision in the second). But nothing major.

Now, we don't referee to earn praise or even thanks from coaches and managers.... But I am interested in the approach that other take to keep a positive mindset when getting totally unwarranted criticism (or abuse) from coaches who don't know the rules or have any respect for officials.

Any tips?

I find that this sort of "feedback" needs to be taken in the context it was given. And the same with praise or high marks from coaches.

Feedback from coaches is nearly always tainted by the result or what cards were handed out. The few that I found give useful feedback are the rarest of beasts - coaches that also ref.

Generally speaking, coaches don't ref so why would you spend time worrying about what they think. I'm sure they'd be the same if we offered coaching advice.

You can clearly self assess what could've been done differently, and that's great. You'll make mistakes, and that's fine. Just like everyone else on the football field will make a mistake, including the coaches.

The way I get over any bad games or blunders is to remember: it's only a game, and if other people want to take it too seriously let them crack on.

benmc said:

The few that I found give useful feedback are the rarest of beasts - coaches that also ref.

Click to expand...

A little observation on this through experience. Generally when you get advice from these "beasts" they don't don't tell you "I'm a referee", you either already know, find out later, or can guess it because of what/how they advise you can only be from someone who has experience as a referee.

Having said that, I know referees who are completely different persons as a coach or player , but we won't go there.

I also get the players who've told me 'I'm a referee too and you're wrong because x, y, z....'

They're definitely not referees

But the worst one I've had is a young lad that reached level 4 quite young, then went off the rails and stopped reffing. 2 years later I reffed his sunday league team (I was a L5 at the time). After me giving him a rollicking about dissent, he walked off and said loudly 'it's ok because I'm a 4 and he's only a 6'. Not only was he incorrect on both counts, the player from the other team he said it to laughed in his face and told him how embarrassing he was.

"I'm a qualified ref"

Right yeah cheers club lino. It's 2:55 pm on a Saturday, nearly everyone's in the whatsapp groups, and between the pair of us only one is about to kick a game off. Course you are, pal.

(See also: As Seen on TV section of this forum)

benmc said:

The few that I found give useful feedback are the rarest of beasts - coaches that also ref.

Click to expand...

I would personally take this feedback with a pinch of salt because it rarely comes with the intention of "development" because they would've viewed your performance with their coach hat on and therefore judged on the result, not with their ref hat.

I always roll my eyes when I am told a coach is a qualified ref, or even better, earlier this season when I asked who the club lino was, I was told he is a qualified ref and has reffed in the football league.

You know what's coming next before I even type it...

• Never kept up with play
• Flagged offside from a throw in
• Flagged offside for a player in their own half
• Flagged offside and then kept running with play

FirsFox40 said:

"I'm a qualified ref"

Right yeah cheers club lino. It's 2:55 pm on a Saturday, nearly everyone's in the whatsapp groups, and between the pair of us only one is about to kick a game off. Course you are, pal.

(See also: As Seen on TV section of this forum)

Click to expand...

Should've mentioned this in my comment above, the comment always baffles me.

I’m not disputing that some coaches/spectators/parents may be qualified and simply taking a break or have stepped away, but nearly every league I’ve officiated in has been short of referees. I can only assume that's because many are watching from the sidelines, ready to offer their "constructive feedback" — almost like a bizarre referee zoo.

The Ginger Ref said:

I would personally take this feedback with a pinch of salt because it rarely comes with the intention of "development" because they would've viewed your performance with their coach hat on and therefore judged on the result, not with their ref hat.

I always roll my eyes when I am told a coach is a qualified ref, or even better, earlier this season when I asked who the club lino was, I was told he is a qualified ref and has reffed in the football league.

You know what's coming next before I even type it...

• Never kept up with play
• Flagged offside from a throw in
• Flagged offside for a player in their own half
• Flagged offside and then kept running with play

Click to expand...

So I'm one of the rarest of beasts and have coached for 8 years, but only completed the referee course last year! And this is something I'm very wary of when it comes to feedback.

We had a young referee last week who handled 90% of the game really well in terms of accuracy of decisions, but he was quite 'shy' with his whistle and his signals weren't confident or clear. In the second half the ball hit him, he didn't stop play, the ball bounced past a defender off the referee's knee and our striker scored. The opposition went mad as the game wasn't stopped but the referee didn't know what he'd done wrong as he kept saying it was just accidental and the goal had to stand. I spoke to him and said we'd stand back and let the opposition score but the referee still disagreed that he should've stopped the game and said it was up to us if we wanted to let them do that. The opposition coach was appealing for everything after this and, despite me and other coaches on his side trying to calm him down, he was on the referee's back until his team went ahead. I almost wanted them to win just to calm the game down!

I was very reluctant to approach the referee afterwards as I was conscious of looking like the coach marching across the pitch towards the referee when his team had lost, but I wanted to say that I am new to this and I understand how daunting it all is. It felt like if he backed his decisions then he'd have found his confident building but, like I said, it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. As it goes, I decided to drop his Dad an email saying I recently did the course and I'm finding my feet too and that I hope he sticks at it. Like I say, difficult one to know what to do for the best.

At a ladies game a couple of weeks ago the only person I warned about dissent was a lady I know is a referee .... (Was borderline sin bin)

FirsFox40 said:

"I'm a qualified ref"

Right yeah cheers club lino. It's 2:55 pm on a Saturday, nearly everyone's in the whatsapp groups, and between the pair of us only one is about to kick a game off. Course you are, pal.

(See also: As Seen on TV section of this forum)

Click to expand...

I CAR for my boy's team regularly and NEVER tell the ref in advance that I'm a referee too! I take my instructions and do as asked (with an occasional 'FFS ref' whispered under my breath!!!).

I spent a long time running a team at the same time as being a referee, I didn't really need to tell the referees that I was a referee myself though as most knew me, and for much of the time I'd appointed them to the game. I did offer feedback, but I was also a referee observer at the time, and I certainly didn't force it down their throats.

As a coach and a new ref (1 more for my 5)
I will be shaking every single refs hand. Great game or bad game and no matter how young or old because this is the most daunting job in the world IMHO.

It’s Tuesday evening and I’m still going over that 11 a side match from Sunday morning.

I can’t watch a match the same way ever again.

I can’t believe I used to be a ref abuser. Not nasty. But heckling. Never again.

I have never coached but played a fair bit before and whilst being a referee.

I was a total pain in the ass as a player, knew enough of the laws to speak with confidence but not enough to be consistently right. Autistic too so if I felt you were wrong I was not changing my mind.

It helps now when players start talking I can just imagine my younger self and laugh (usually internally).