The Ref Stop

Some useful words to calm down players/coaches

R

Robi

New Member
Does someone can help me with this question? Many times i have problems, to say right thing to the players or coaches to calm them down. Does someone has some tip, what to say at the right moment?

I know, i need to look about about situation, but i dont know always what i really need to say. For example if we look yesterday game Chelsea vs Manchester United, when Oliver came to Conte and Mourinho and they both listen him and they in the end didnt argue.
 
The Ref Stop
its a very difficult balancing act, as you need to be professional, courteous, stern, humorous on occasion and have some empathy with the situation at the same time.
Over time you will gather the experience you need but if you remember to keep your calm , even if they dont, you are on your way.
If its just when they are 'losing it' then you ask them to calm down... if they dont then you warn them that if they dont comply then you will have to caution (send away from FOP in the coaches case), and then follow through on those points if they carry on.
 
richard ramjane said:
its a very difficult balancing act, as you need to be professional, courteous, stern, humorous on occasion and have some empathy with the situation at the same time.
Over time you will gather the experience you need but if you remember to keep your calm , even if they dont, you are on your way.
If its just when they are 'losing it' then you ask them to calm down... if they dont then you warn them that if they dont comply then you will have to caution (send away from FOP in the coaches case), and then follow through on those points if they carry on.
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Yeah i know, but sometimes when you are referee in lower division is more heavy to be referee, than in higher division. Because the player for example till 20 years they don't care about referees and rules of the game. And sometimes is better to not show red card, because then game can go out of control.
 
This is incredibly situational. It really is a combination of empathy but also not shirking. Empathy only goes so far - If someone oversteps the mark, you need to deal with that, regardless of having empathy for them feeling the way they do.
 
As others have said if you remain calm then hopefully that behaviour will then be mirrored. Sometimes taking the time to listen to a player might help and not brushing them off. Never mirror a players attitude or aggression.
If its just a player using the captain can work. And hopefully he is on the other side of thr pitch and you cand drag him over. That time between you asking the player to wait for his captain can bring their temperature down a tad.
Using empathetic phrases such as I understand or I can see how you feel that way but and explain what you've seen.
To cut a long story short there is no right answer. You can only give a player so much before you move to the next stage. Dont ever shirk your responsibilty to issue discipline for fear of losong match control. If anything use it as a tool. 1 red. 1 yellow. Another yellow. Thy soon get the picture and you're back in the driving seat.
 
If it's light stuff, like the first step of the stepped approach for dissent, then I usually say something like 'I understand you're frustrated, but just let me explain what I've seen/heard and then you can let me know what your issue is.' Alot of the time they just want to have their voice heard, and as long as you can manage that in a calm way, giving them the 5 seconds they need to politely say their piece can help out. Obviously you're not going to let them shout at you, but early on I find they react well to it.

The most important thing I find is remaining calm, and remember that is different to being nice. You can very calmly give them a stern dressing down, if that is what is required.
 
i agree with UK colt give the coach a few seconds to vent frustrations, then say something like, are you finished, makes them feel a bit stupid, then if they try interupting say i listened to you, know you will listen to me, leave them in no doubt who is boss
remember
1st time ask
2nd time tell
3 bin them
 
For me, players and coaches seem to argue because either (a) they don't agree with a decision or (b) they don't understand it. I'm not very good at speaking to players and coaches and is something that I am trying to work on. In scenario a, there is a limit to what you can do. You can't change their opinion but you can explain your decision so at least it is clearer to them why you made the decision. This is a similar thing that you can do in scenario b. Most players don't agree with decisions because they don't understand it. Blatantly obvious fouls, in my opinion, don't often have players arguing about them. If you can explain why you made the decision stating what you saw and if possible what the law says in as simpler terms as possible, they should start to calm down. This doesn't always work and I find that when a player gets worked up about a decision, that can affect their whole match due to frustration. The skill of the referee (and I certainly don't do this well) is managing the players. Use a card if needed and use the stepped approach if that's the way you work. That is the way the FA recommends.
 
Calming players down becomes a lot easier as you get experienced, and dare I say older. When I was initially at level 7 in my late 20s I found it very difficult, whereas now it is a piece of cake and it is very rare that a player doesn't respond well. Of course there are some that are idiots and won't, but you can't help them and the only option you have there is to use cards.

How confident you are may also affect how you deal with it. If you are a bit nervous then it is probably best to keep it very formal and use as few words as possible, whereas with more experience and confidence you can have more of a conversation and even inject a bit of humour into it. These days I find myself actively explaining decisions, either before they are challenged or in the period after they are challenged, and players generally respond really well to this. I would never, ever have had the confidence to do that back when I was a level 7, even in the seasons why I got promoted to 6,5 and 4.
 
Some go-to phrases can be helpful. It has to be natural but these tend to work for me:

"If you want the explanation you've got to let me speak"

"Okay you've had your say, now it's my turn"

"I realise you don't like the decision - I'll explain it if you want but it's not going to change"

You can add please and thank you if it helps (it often does unless someone is being a real moron). Although try not to use language that betrays doubt - "I can see your point of view" is a bad one for me. You don't have to be rude or dismissive but you've made the decision so back yourself.

The flip-side of this is that honesty can sometimes be a powerful tool as well - showing a bit of self-awareness and admitting you haven't seen something or that you might have ****ed it up. There aren't many things that wind players up more than arrogant referees who think they're God's gift to football. I've done it a few times this season after a poor advantage where the bench has reacted and I eventually make my way over and say "yeah sorry that was sh*t". Another safe one to try this is where a ball gets punted forward and the attacker claims he's been pushed - "yeah sorry mate, long ball and I had no chance of getting a good view. You might be right"
 
Honesty is a good tool, but should be used sparingly.

Ive found players/coaches/teams to be receptive if i apologise for missing something etc.

However, if youre constantly apologising for stuff then players will lose confidence in your ability and youll end up with match control issues anyway.
 
personally I use the 'apology' route for minor things like pushes in the back, throw in the wrong way etc ... big things like a foul outside the PA when the players claim its a dive (and it may well have been) I stand my ground! little things players/coaches take on the chin
 
I've got a few that I drag out occasionally!!!.... "oy, player, there is only one bloke getting paid to ref this game, and I've got some really bad news!! It ain't you!!!" :cool:
 
Really? I find that reminding players you're being paid while they're paying to play can often wind them up even more...
 
Sod em, they always seem to have a few words about my motor in the car park... I tell them that they buy a car for the most productive ref with the cards.... A few suckers believe it!!!
 
Thank you for all applies. We will see how will go tomorrow :) Does someone has some special speech to a players before the match when you go to the field?
 
Robi said:
Thank you for all applies. We will see how will go tomorrow :) Does someone has some special speech to a players before the match when you go to the field?
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Nope, just don't go there.......best they get from me is 'play to the whistle and if I'm talking to you, there's a reason for it...'
 
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