The Ref Stop

Just can't be bothered anymore

McRef

McRef

New Member
Level 5 Referee
I've been refereeing this season in my first year and was enjoying the challenge and learning lots of new things.

However recently I've thought about hanging up the whistle as I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself. I don't want to sound like a snob and I was never the best player but I just don't think the players have the right to criticise the quality of my refereeing when the standard of crap I have to watch is sometimes appalling. I think I still manage the games well and have had pretty positive feedback and assessments but I just don't think its worth the aggro.

Just wondering if anyone else ever gets like this? I just really can't be bothered at the moment and worry I am turning into a very negative referee who is starting to book players for any signs of dissent.
 
The Ref Stop
I did in my second year - first I knew would be rough as low level ref = low level teams.

Bust second season after a 81.3 average and same teams and kicking ten bells etc. Advice I was given - move leagues / area's / CFA and give it a shot. Try a different league, or maybe even a different type of football - 5-a-side, small sided, older youth, you;d be suprised.

7-6 last season, and on track 6-5 this, and having best season so far. Plus the original league keep asking if im free or when I can do their games as they now know they've lost a good ref.

Sorry for blowing my own trumpet but worked for me so might work for someone else too.
 
It's not unusual.

I went through it in my second season. Things that helped were joining and attending local RA meetings. Setting goals for myself for each season. Pushing for promotion. Spending time after each match reflecting on what went well or not so well. Before each game doing some positivity mental exercises (mostly mindfullness) to get into the right frame of mind.

And coming here! Good chance to chew the fat with like minded colleagues from all backgrounds and levels and talk through difficult situations. Great source of support.
 
I can see where you are coming from Tom.

The best way to rejuvenate your motivation is to give yourself something to work towards. You mention their skill level. Why not apply for promotion? Move up the ranks. Move into more professional football. The standard and everything else is improved, so your enjoyment will improve with it. Once you've got to one level, go for the next and continue that quest to keep going - this will give you the drive to succeed, and with that comes enjoyment.

Once you're on the ladder, the amount of people you meet, the things you learn and the opportunities you get all change for the better.
 
Ive had ups and downs, the ups are when i try something new like futsal or 5v5 or 7v7 and downs tend to be after a few months of just 11v11 so just mix it up i find!
 
Tom, I dare say your card count is a little low for someone that is coming away from games thinking like this?
Is it possible your being too lenient and coming away from matches thinking certain players have "got one over on the ref"?
This used to describe me perfectly. I was too scared to sanction dissent and took sh*t for 90 mins. The comments wore me down and I came away from games feeling crap and dreading going back. One day I decided that I wasn't going to take any more of the sh*t:

"You taking the p*ss ref" - caution
"That's a f*cking joke ref" - caution
"That's f*cking **** ref" - caution

You'd be amazed how the comments reduced in number and I enjoyed my matches a lot more. I might be way wide in my assumptions. If so I apologise.
 
During the kit inspection for both teams i tell them,any swearing at me..yellow.Shouting at me with criticism....yellow
I tell both managers any dissent on any level from their players will be an immediate.....yellow And if they bollock me from the line i will report them
You'd be surprised what effect this has.... still give few yellows but they learn quick.....
 
Last two posts, great advice. Ive started getting a little bit like this - after chatting with mates, the reputation of referees really do travel.

They know the referees and they admit that they have some where you give them a bit of a boost and some nice compliments pre-match and that ref is in your pocket for the game. They also said they know a strict referee and will tell the lads that in teams talks - so when they do get a caution of "you taking the p*ss ref" then they get a telling off from their captains/managers too (because they were warned)

I think it'll be nice to get a reputation as a "Stickler for the rules". Then they'll be no surprises when I start dishing out cards like theyre going out of fashion.
 
It's a slippery path to rely to heavily on cards. The skill in refereeing is knowing when to go to the pocket, when to publicly dress down and when to use a bit of humour to defuse a situation.

Get it right and it is poetry in motion.
 
Lots of individuals who do or do not apply the LOTG given a unique set of circumstances, trying to be consistent in a match that is anything but consistent, vastly differing approaches to pre match procedures, various interpretations of what is acceptable at Park level, differing tolerance levels. This is all a recipe for failure or success depending on how YOU handle your self mentally first and physically second. It is you versus at least 22 cheats and liars who will never be your friend. If you doubt me see who claims for every throw in/corner/free kick. You begin to doubt yourself if you listen to them.

Ignore everything a player tells you, have confidence in your decisions, be physically fit and make that last 10 yards to be on top of the action, walk away and do not dwell on what might have been and look forward to the next match. Positive mental attitude. When that is exhausted keep going for one or two more seasons then retire gracefully otherwise it is a long and slow slippery slope that only leads down.

Get off park level football ASAP as it will wear you out too quickly. Nobly you may decide to ply your trade in between the piles of dog foul and broken bottles but the players have no respect for you and you will lose self respect if you are not very strong. Sensitivity has no place in refereeing. Common sense does but do not ignore the LOTG otherwise you are letting yourself down first and your fellow referees second.
 
So we are now using a card count to determine how well we are doing?

In that case I must be bottom of the list - not had a red for over a season, and majority of games it's one or two YC and hardly ever for dissent. I tell the guys in my pre-match that I'm not a thief, but I also don't like being shouted at.

First one I get, pull him over with captain and give him the public bo!!ocking and in general, that's sorted the game out. Odd one or two from there will go on and go in the book, but they have no room for complaint as the line has been drawn so only got themselves to blame (and normally the rest of the team on their case too).

Cards do not manage the game. They will generally not diffuse a situation, they will, in most cases escalate it. Especially if the receipient feels that they are on the receiving end of an injustice.

If you are using a lot of cards it's because you are being REactive to what you have let it get to, as opposed to PROactive to avoid getting to the situation in the first place.

If you have ever done any form of Root Cause Analysis you are asked to ask the 5 Whys?

Why are you getting card card out? Because they are showing you dissent by word or action

Why are they showing you dissent? Because they are so upset or angered by the injustice they have received, that they cant keep a lid on it any longer.

Why? Because you have been inconsistant / missed something your should have seen / they are wanting to pull one over you and intimidate you.

Why?

Why = the main route cause / reason for being in the situation you are in, who ever or what ever is the reason. It can be an eye opener behaving like a 5 year old and asking why, but it gets to the source.
 
Massive over simplification HRW. Failed to factor in team and fixture historical data, behavioural patterns and individual life/mood/aggression calculations, game importance and a hundred other factors including the roll of the last weeks refs in how teams behave. If you are going to apply a risk assessment tool to football it would be insanely complex to be anywhere near accurate.

And at the end it seems like you would blame the current ref?
 
HRW said:
So we are now using a card count to determine how well we are doing?

In that case I must be bottom of the list - not had a red for over a season, and majority of games it's one or two YC and hardly ever for dissent. I tell the guys in my pre-match that I'm not a thief, but I also don't like being shouted at.

First one I get, pull him over with captain and give him the public bo!!ocking and in general, that's sorted the game out. Odd one or two from there will go on and go in the book, but they have no room for complaint as the line has been drawn so only got themselves to blame (and normally the rest of the team on their case too).

Cards do not manage the game. They will generally not diffuse a situation, they will, in most cases escalate it. Especially if the receipient feels that they are on the receiving end of an injustice.

If you are using a lot of cards it's because you are being REactive to what you have let it get to, as opposed to PROactive to avoid getting to the situation in the first place.

If you have ever done any form of Root Cause Analysis you are asked to ask the 5 Whys?

Why are you getting card card out? Because they are showing you dissent by word or action

Why are they showing you dissent? Because they are so upset or angered by the injustice they have received, that they cant keep a lid on it any longer.

Why? Because you have been inconsistant / missed something your should have seen / they are wanting to pull one over you and intimidate you.

Why?

Why = the main route cause / reason for being in the situation you are in, who ever or what ever is the reason. It can be an eye opener behaving like a 5 year old and asking why, but it gets to the source.
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Express path to self doubt and disillusionment!

@Anthony has hit the nail on the head. Players, certainly on a Sunday morning, are not your friend.....they will say and do anything to get inside your head and make you favour them.
Then when racked with self doubt and indecision, slaughter you for every poor decision........

If they turn up to play football, great......if they turn up to bitch, moan and generally blame you for all the wrongs in their life......shove a card up their nose as quick as you can...they'll either shut up or be off the pitch, leaving hopefully the players who actually want to play to enjoy their game.

Discipline is getting worse.......RESPECT no longer works, only have to look at the weekly suspension lists to see that.
 
As someone who has spent 75% of his time down amongst the muck and bullets of parks football I recognise so much truth in what Anthony and Padfoot say. You cannot referee parks football the way they do it on the tv. You cannot always referee even at Supply League, the way they do on the tv. The players believe they are on tv and think they should be able to do what they see their "heroes" do on tv. It doesn't work like that.

When I referee and yes I am on my second comeback, I do it for the love of the game and because it is my hobby. I do it because I believe football needs referees who are willing to do the job right. I don't do it for my main income. It is not my job. I have something else I do for 45-55 hours per week that is my job.

I don't care if the players don't respect me. I don't referee for respect or for my own self esteem. I referee so that the game that I have loved for more than 45 years can be played in accordance with the laws and as many people as possible can enjoy the game before returning safely to their day to day routine. I don't care if the players aren't very good. I do care if the facilities they pay a lot of money for are decent, safe and clean. I get paid to be in the middle of something I used to spend over £1, 200 per season to watch from the stand.

I have a duty to little Jake/Jordan/Mohammed/Franklin who will be refereeing this team next week, in his first game, under the watchful eye of his loving parents who are so glad he has found a hobby he likes (and gets paid for) to make sure this team don't walk all over him and grind his enjoyment of football and refereeing into the mud. I also have a duty to Jamie/Josh/Naseem/Henry to make sure the hungover prone to violence "killer/thug/psycho" doesn't get the chance to hurt him. That's what I mean when I say service before self. It's not about me, it's about them.
 
"So we are now using a card count to determine how well we are doing?" - please point me to where that is said

"not had a red for over a season" - luck has played its part, don't care if you're Howard Webb

"Cards do not manage the game. They will generally not diffuse a situation, they will, in most cases escalate it." - Actually, cards are an essential part of your management of a game, are an absolute must to defuse some situations and can think of very few occasions a YC has escalated a situation!!!

"If you are using a lot of cards it's because you are being REactive to what you have let it get to, as opposed to PROactive to avoid getting to the situation in the first place" - Utter, Utter tosh

"Why? Because you have been inconsistant / missed something your should have seen / they are wanting to pull one over you and intimidate you" - So you miss nothing in 90 mins?Good for you. I, however, will miss something in 90 mins and if you want to call me a "f***ing joke" that's fine, I have the cards that the laws of the game have given me to deal with it.
 
"So we are now using a card count to determine how well we are doing?" - please point me to where that is said As stated by yourself "Tom, I dare say your card count is a little low for someone that is coming away from games thinking like this?, to me implies that if he gave more cards he'd be feeling better about things, no?

"not had a red for over a season" - luck has played its part, don't care if you're Howard Webb. Must have been so, run came to an end today.

"Cards do not manage the game. They will generally not diffuse a situation, they will, in most cases escalate it." - Actually, cards are an essential part of your management of a game, are an absolute must to defuse some situations and can think of very few occasions a YC has escalated a situation!!! I agree they are, but right place and the right time; most situations don't require jumping straight to a card, where ther is some sort of stepping / ladder to go up first. Most, not never.

"If you are using a lot of cards it's because you are being REactive to what you have let it get to, as opposed to PROactive to avoid getting to the situation in the first place" - Utter, Utter tosh - I'm not Scottish so don't call me Tosh, crow.

"Why? Because you have been inconsistant / missed something your should have seen / they are wanting to pull one over you and intimidate you" - So you miss nothing in 90 mins?Good for you. I, however, will miss something in 90 mins and if you want to call me a "f***ing joke" that's fine, I have the cards that the laws of the game have given me to deal with it. Using one possible route of an answer to the first step. If he first answer is "because last weeks ref let the player get away with murder, because they are trying it on to find your breaking point etc" then that answers your point.
 
If you wish to continue this discussion please use the
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system not that horrible to read thing you have started.

And let's not bicker. Please. Gents.
 
I have to Agree with HRWs comments. cards do not diffuse a situation. They just increase the hatred of the referee. Cards are required on occasion with the occasionally idiot but if you are consistent and get a firm grip of a game early on, respect is earned and makes a game a lot easier. Cards are not required and do not earn respect.
I did a game today. Div 1 of a 6 league structure that I referee in. 1 team is way too good and other team is totally outclassed and lose 5-0. Neither team showed dissent and was a pleasure to referee. But I know this was an exception.
Thanks to refereeing Im fitter than I have ever been. And I'm young enough to play again.
Im really struggling to justify carrying on with the whistle.
Im not prepared to dictate to my local FA that I have to do higher league games to remain satisfied as I think that is selfish and unfair. But I worry that if i stayed doing lower league my card count would increase and I'd turn into a proper hitler of a ref.
 
I hate to see a fellow referee be in this situation. I referee in the US and this is my second year. I personally love what I do. I understand that many people drop out after the first year, but I honestly wish I could help the ones who are struggling out :(. Makes me feel bad that I am part of a seeming minority.
 
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