A&H

Disheartening game and a day of two halves

C

Charingx1

New Member
Morning Everyone

So I’m a newly qualified referee, have reffed about 15 games ranging from u12 to u16. Up to now I’ve not had any huge issues - usual few moans from players and managers but generally ok. Had two assessments by the County and got really good feedback with decision making scoring well.

The second of those assessments was on Sunday morning and i was buzzing at the end having had by the asssesors grading a really good game. Then came the afternoon match!

U16s boys match, two competitive teams. First half went fine and without any real incident. However the second half was a different story. I have a penalty to the away team which put them 3-2 ahead. Home team management livid (was a handball). After that I have to admit the abuse rattled me and I felt myself losing control. Players seemed to sense this. Challenges were coming in, most of which I thought were fair or blew for, but the home team managers were very vocally on my back which rapidly reflected onto the players who started behaving similarly.

Upshot is home team went 5-2 down. One of their players game me some backchat on two occasions so I warned him and went to speak to the home manager re his shouting and carrying on. Him and his assistant informed me if I didn’t protect their players they would remove them from the pitch. I was at a loss as to what he was talking about as I didn’t think I’d missed anything but he claimed one player had had to come off (subbed) due to stud marks.

Game ended. Away team managers and players shook my hand said I got the big calls right, perhaps missed a push or two. One of the home parents apologised for his sons backchat and thanked me. The home manager however contacted me post game and said he would never use me again due to player safety and loss of control.

I suppose as a new ref I post this here to see if anything similar happened to anyone in their early days or later? I feel like I should have controlled the game a bit better slowed it down but I think suggesting it was dangerous is really wide of the mark. That being said they obviously felt aggrieved and it’s made me wonder if I’m best off out of refereeing!

Perhaps I just need to accept this is part of the game and one team will generally not be happy?

Any thoughts welcome!
 
The Referee Store
If a manager is genuinely concerned for his players safety, then it is his duty to remove them from the FOP and refuse to carry on.

This almost never happens, and didn't happen in your game. Which suggests that what's actually going on is the manger has been complaining during the game as part of a cynical attempt to get more free kicks. You can only give what you see and if you're not seeing his players being booted up in the air, don't get drawn into giving them soft free kicks just to keep the sideline happy.

Two other things stand out from your post to me: First is that I would usually advise trying to keep contact with the sidelines during the game to the minimum you can get away with. At younger age groups it might be smart to have a friendly chat with the manager if you get the sense they're on board with you, but anything U15s upwards, get the captain to tell his players to shut up and use cards and the sin bin if that doesn't work.

And second, the manager contacting you after the game to continue the harassment is absolutely unacceptable. Forward that email to your county safeguarding and/or discipline departments (or if it was by text, screenshot, if it was by phone type out what was said etc) and get it dealt with.
 
GraemeS said:
If a manager is genuinely concerned for his players safety, then it is his duty to remove them from the FOP and refuse to carry on.

This almost never happens, and didn't happen in your game. Which suggests that what's actually going on is the manger has been complaining during the game as part of a cynical attempt to get more free kicks. You can only give what you see and if you're not seeing his players being booted up in the air, don't get drawn into giving them soft free kicks just to keep the sideline happy.

Two other things stand out from your post to me: First is that I would usually advise trying to keep contact with the sidelines during the game to the minimum you can get away with. At younger age groups it might be smart to have a friendly chat with the manager if you get the sense they're on board with you, but anything U15s upwards, get the captain to tell his players to shut up and use cards and the sin bin if that doesn't work.

And second, the manager contacting you after the game to continue the harassment is absolutely unacceptable. Forward that email to your county safeguarding and/or discipline departments (or if it was by text, screenshot, if it was by phone type out what was said etc) and get it dealt with.
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Thank you very much this is useful advice.
 
Every referee (not only newer ones) will have had games like that.
If the referee coach (not an assessor at your level) is happy, that's worth more than the biased opinion of a losing team manager!
Learn from this one:
a) Backchat can be dissent, so use the Sin Bin (if in a country where they are in use, e. g. England). Use the stepped approach if it starts at low level then escalates (private word, public warning {possibly with the captain present, then the caution} but if necessary go to a caution early on)
b) If a manager becomes a pain, ask him to cut it out, and if he continues use a yellow card. If he still continues use a red card (but only send him away if there is a responsible adult left with the team)
c) The manager/coach should not have a say in which referee is allocated. Whenever I was told they didn't want me back, I took it as a compliment 😁
d) If you are under 18 report the manager to the League or County Welfare Officer.
Keep going!
 
Chin up. We have all had games like this. Those of us doing youth football are probably doing it to give something back to the game (I am) so I used to take it extra personally when I saw a fully grown adult setting a really bad example to a child. Rather than getting annoyed about it though I use this to my advantage, anything that I deem unacceptable to or in front of a child from a coach, I will deal with, be that a talking to or cards or reports of necessary.

Sounds like you did a really good job though, of corse not everyone is going to think that! If you feel like you are losing control of the game then perhaps you need to tighten up a little bit at time to be a bit safer.. e.g anything you could let go sometimes you don’t, don’t play advantage for things for a period of time just to try and regain control. Slow the game down a bit at things like substitutions and free kicks, give yourself a bit of breathing time. With youngsters I try and have a bit of a joke with them firm but fair seems to nearly always work. I’ll give the free kick, stick to my guns and get out of there, if they follow me or shout at me it’s an easy sell for a sin bin.

Good luck and keep going!
 
As GraemeS said, he didn't remove his players and his comment about stud marks is irrelevant; tackles are a part of the game and stud markings not always due to a player being fouled. Ignore his comment.

If you are under 18 report him to the League Welfare Officer. If he doesn't 'use you again' (whatever that means) then happy days, by the sounds of things! Do reflect on your performance though - that's always beneficial.
 
I had a lot of games when I was starting out where I felt like I was losing control. The main reason I always found for this was not showing cards. Although you might not feel like showing cards in youth matches they're incredibly useful and powerful when you get them right at the right time. Sometimes as a referee you have to adapt to changes in the game. If it feels like the temperature is rising and you're not happy with it raise your profile and give some softer fouls and show a yellow card or two and you should find you regain control.
 
Thanks everyone. I’m over 18 but I have learnt a lot just from reading these comments and similar threads. He was the home team so had booked me in for three games (this was the first) across the next few months hence his text re he wouldn’t require me for the other two matches. Better hope we don’t come across each other if he’s the away team as I do ref other games in that league!

On reflection I think I let too much go early on. Should have pulled players earlier for swearing and moaning and I think they took advantage of my inexperience. Good to hear it seems it’s not just me whose had this - benefit of this forum as can feel a lonely place after a game like that.

Thank you
 
Tom_R said:
I had a lot of games when I was starting out where I felt like I was losing control. The main reason I always found for this was not showing cards. Although you might not feel like showing cards in youth matches they're incredibly useful and powerful when you get them right at the right time. Sometimes as a referee you have to adapt to changes in the game. If it feels like the temperature is rising and you're not happy with it raise your profile and give some softer fouls and show a yellow card or two and you should find you regain control.
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On reflection exactly this I think. U16s have been my toughest games, loads of adrenaline and testosterone but perhaps a lack of maturity to handle it. Having said that it always seems to be the managers who are worse and then that gets picked up by players.
 
Charingx1 said:
Thanks everyone. I’m over 18 but I have learnt a lot just from reading these comments and similar threads. He was the home team so had booked me in for three games (this was the first) across the next few months hence his text re he wouldn’t require me for the other two matches. Better hope we don’t come across each other if he’s the away team as I do ref other games in that league!

On reflection I think I let too much go early on. Should have pulled players earlier for swearing and moaning and I think they took advantage of my inexperience. Good to hear it seems it’s not just me whose had this - benefit of this forum as can feel a lonely place after a game like that.

Thank you
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I completely get this, I had some shockers early on. I had two kids in an U13 game who were just taking the mic. There was a clear delaying the restart which I knew I should've cautioned and didn't which essentially led to me losing control.

Your confidence will build though particularly with warnings, cards etc it just takes time.
 
For context, I am in my 13th year of refereeing and had a similar match on Saturday, you have reflected on how you can improve which is the way to go. Implement how you can improve, forget this game, focus on the next game.

One question, are you not getting games via your referee appointment secretary? Refereeing same home team every week isn’t healthy.
 
Charingx1 said:
On reflection exactly this I think. U16s have been my toughest games, loads of adrenaline and testosterone but perhaps a lack of maturity to handle it. Having said that it always seems to be the managers who are worse and then that gets picked up by players.
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Especially at youth spectators and managers tend to be worse. If you check the laws of the game there's quite a lot of extra offences for technical area occupants. It might help to look through this as you might find you recognise a bit more misconduct from the side lines you can stamp out early doors. Also as you referee more games you tolerance level will lower in terms of dissent which makes the entire game easier to manage if you get the first idiot having a go the others are less inclined to try it on because they know the outcome.
 
DJIC said:
For context, I am in my 13th year of refereeing and had a similar match on Saturday, you have reflected on how you can improve which is the way to go. Implement how you can improve, forget this game, focus on the next game.

One question, are you not getting games via your referee appointment secretary? Refereeing same home team every week isn’t healthy.
Click to expand...
Yes I am going to sign up to a league now - I was taking odd games - funny this team struggled finding refs!
 
Thanks for all comments so far very useful. I might go and watch a few more games too at grass roots see how other refs manage it.
 
DJIC said:
One question, are you not getting games via your referee appointment secretary? Refereeing same home team every week isn’t healthy.
Click to expand...
Like the op I’m also in Kent, and our local youth leagues don‘t tend to have many referees signed up, so clubs have to find their own. Once a club find someone reliable they tend to try to block book so they don’t have to ring round every week.

As already said, don’t worry about it. Some youth managers have to moan about the ref to explain their own / their team’s shortcomings. Most of the time they’re ok, but occasionally you get grief and don’t know why.
I did an U12 girls’ game, which was a really tight game with the away team winning by the odd goal in 5. At the end they were hanging on by the skin of their teeth. The home goalkeeper was hurt when the winning goal was scored, so I called the coach on for her and stopped the watch for about a minute while she was treated. At the end all the girls, the spectators and the home coaches all said how much they enjoyed the game. The away coach moaned about the injury time, “there’s no added time in this league!” before telling his team “I thought you did really well considering you were playing against 12!”

If the coach of a youth team is an a***hole then the team tend to be as well, because they tend to get coached to be that way. Obviously your team were like that.

Deal with it by cautioning the manager for showing dissent. If you come up against this character again you know what to expect so get an early warning in, then caution him. Hopefully this will show his team you mean business So they behave. If not, deal with it. Otherwise you won’t enjoy the game.

like you say, I wonder why they struggle to find a ref. It’s a mystery, isn’t it?
 
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