Don't talk, card.

[Homer Ref]

Now in my 3rd year, I have always tried to explain decisions or ask coaches to be reasonable and, more importantly, responsible in their behaviour, particularly in youth matches. I've gone to the benches and given them too much time to argue - and that is basically what they will do, they will also question your ability. This stops this year. My advice to any new referees: Don't enter into any discussions! If you have cause to go to the bench for behaviour, go up close but not too close, get a card out and make sure they know they have been sanctioned. Yes, it might make you look ignorant and even arrogant, but coaches and players will never be your friends, and it is not in their interests to have you confident and assured. Many of them don't know the laws of the game. Even if they do, they're not going to want you to enforce them against their team, only the other team. Inform them pre-match that brief explanations can be given at the end of the half. But really, have respect for yourself even though it feels there is a lack of respect around you on that pitch.

 

[FinalWhistle]

and it is not in their interests to have you confident and assured. Many of them don't know the laws of the game. Even if they do, they're not going to want you to enforce them against their team, only the other team.

This is the key bit, especially the bold bit. The teams will always be biased towards themselves. Always.

 

[Archer]

The lesser-known Right Said Fred song.

With benches, if I’m sticking my head in, then it’s not a conversation, it’s I’m telling them “that wasn’t acceptable, here’s your warning” or it’s straight to disciplinary action if warranted.

Technical areas and centre circles aren’t the place for a chat. Here’s what’s happened, here’s what I’m doing, you know what my next steps are if there’s no improvement.

Then run away (key bit)

 

[RustyRef]

I always say that I will explain any decision but I’m not having a discussion over it. We might have to agree to disagree but I’ll give them the courtesy of explaining my rationale as long as they are courteous and respectful towards me.

I’m not going over to the benches to have those discussions though, they can ask me after the game. I might shout over the reasons, but keeping going to them to explain decisions will severely undermine your authority. As a general rule referees really want to be staying away from the technical areas unless there is action that needs to be taken.

 

[LXIV]

This is the key bit, especially the bold bit. The teams will always be biased towards themselves. Always.

If its consolation, I can say that referees can also be biased towards themselves in making the easier decisions rather then the hard ones.

 

[Big Cat]

The lesser-known Right Said Fred song.

With benches, if I’m sticking my head in, then it’s not a conversation, it’s I’m telling them “that wasn’t acceptable, here’s your warning” or it’s straight to disciplinary action if warranted.

Technical areas and centre circles aren’t the place for a chat. Here’s what’s happened, here’s what I’m doing, you know what my next steps are if there’s no improvement.

Then run away (key bit)

I default towards a softer stance when dealing with TA's. It's very common for me to face the FOP whilst isolating a coach down the touchline
I'd let them briefly speak first. The idea is to demonstrate to them that I'm not a pr1ck, which is often what they expecting. That's likely because dealing with them is so difficult that many refs may come across as pr1cks just because we arguably have little choice. Anyway, I'll keep it very brief and indicate 'it makes no odds if they're right or wrong, if they come to my attention again there'll be a sanction otherwise I'm gonna look like a weak pr1ck to everyone else'. So my default position is one of being somewhat receptive to the emotion, but just like they have the tendency to flip in nasty feckers, I can do that too if we wanna go down that path

 

[santa sangria]

“It’s important to let them express their emotions” is common advice from top refs.

On the flip side a big trigger for me is half time or full time when one or more officials gets into an endless discussion. Drives me nuts, always presents badly, worse if it’s an AR that keeps talking.

 

[Big Cat]

“It’s important to let them express their emotions” is common advice from top refs.

On the flip side a big trigger for me is half time or full time when one or more officials gets into an endless discussion. Drives me nuts, always presents badly, worse if it’s an AR that keeps talking.

Aye, it's important that AR's say as little as possible when approached by players/coaches for the unfriendly handshakes after the final whistle
(The same can be said for the Board Room, that English tradition of pretending to be friends whilst unnecessarily dragging out the time commitment).
Ref needs to control that moment in time. Even well meaning comments from an AR can inflame tempers. At least if the Ref makes things worse in some way, it's on 'his watch' and his club marks and observation score
I've even been known to include this requirement in my amazing pre-match, which is usually very short as I only like the stuff that deviates from repetition of an identical script every game

 

[Archer]

AR1 properly stitched me up in my final game last season. Home gaffer's come on with a bit of a whinge but dealt with and ushered away, but lino pops up and just inflamed everything and it became a 20-minute chat back in our dressing room when I really wanted to just change and feck off home. Really didn't need any input other than "I indicated 6 added-on, we played 6, that's that". Now in the pre-match.

 

[Dicky Herts]

Some tips for newer refs on this subject:
1. Avoid long explanations during match to players or benches. If you deem it appropriate a quick rationale and then move on if that doesn’t satisfy them then ignore them or if it turns into dissent sanction them.
2. Never get into explaining after the whistle on the pitch. Suggest “gaffer I’m happy to discuss it but not here, give us a knock on changing room door in 15 minutes and we can talk then” …. Often they won’t bother (see performative below).
3. If they do come to your changing room, ensure your ARs remain and insist and I mean insist that they sit down to talk through their grievance. It’s more difficult to be angry when sat down. Listen, explain that you’re going to answer but they might not agree and then that will be it. Keep it professional and non emotional.
4. Remember coaches love to be performative. Pep and Arteta do it for the cameras, your grassroots coaches do it for the spectators/ players/ parents etc. Take away the audience and they are not so interested. Consider as well the performance will often be deflection of their poor decisions / tactics / team performance.

 

[one]

I'll add to the above. My condition on answering any questions is one question one answer on any given incident. No follow ups. That would make it an argument and counter productive.
And as soon I realise they are not there to understand why I made certain decisions but they are there to tell me my certain decisions were wrong, I find a polite way out of that discussion.

 

[Gabriel]

The advice above (which I've known and used for the last 18 months or so) is what I wish we were taught when I qualified. The 18 months before that I was naive and didn't know how to deal with it. That resulted in multiple conversations being had which could've been resolved much quicker. @one I'm stealing one question one answer did a friendly the other day and coach had a million and one questions about the new law changes which I answered but he seemed adamant that he knew better

 

[Kes]

I never bother now.

In my own experience of this scenario coaches and players don't actually want to hear your perspective or opinion - they just want to give you theirs.
On the occasions I've agreed to 'discuss' events after the game, as soon as I'm asked a question and begin to answer, I'd be interrupted. I don't give the opportunity out any more. Took me a few seasons to realise this but it is what it is and nothing changes in that respect.

 

[one]

I never bother now.

In my own experience of this scenario coaches and players don't actually want to hear your perspective or opinion - they just want to give you theirs.
On the occasions I've agreed to 'discuss' events after the game, as soon as I'm asked a question and begin to answer, I'd be interrupted.

Try setting the boundaries before you answer any questions. Half of those there not really interested in the answer will flip and restrain themselves. Those who don't agree to boundaries or can't restrain themselves you can walk away from. Just my experience.

Of course it is your prerogative if you dont want to bother.