The Ref Stop

Wonder why I bother sometimes!

Matthew

RefChat Addict
Context - I was allocated two youth games at the same ground for yesterday. Early game was lost due to a COVID outbreak in the away team (familiar story the last few weeks) but the home side organised a friendly, which I agreed to ref. Still needed to go for my late game anyway, so made sense.

Two reds, four yellows, two sin bins, a dismissed coach and an abandonment later, I wished I’d stayed in bed.

I let an early borderline challenge go, which with hindsight probably should have been a yellow, but aside from that the first twenty minutes was relatively uneventful. Away side went 1-0 down and immediately started to get frustrated, nothing major but little pushes, niggly fouls etc, so I started giving everything, slowed the game down and it seemed to have worked; got to HT with just a yellow for a reckless challenge by an away defender.

Blew for HT and the away coach wandered on as I was walking off (not aggressively) but preceded to tell me it was a man’s game and that I’ve ruined the Christmas of the lad I cautioned because his Mum can’t afford the fine :oops:. Just told him that that isn’t any of my business and that I can only referee what’s in front of me. He then wandered over to his team for the team talk, during which he told them to “get into these c*nts, they’re”f**cking weak as p**s” amongst a million other expletives and just generally riled them up. I might as well have abandoned it at that point because it soon became clear that the game had totally gone and I wasn’t getting it back.

Had a yellow for a poor challenge within about a minute of the second half started, followed by a sin bin and two reds for OFFINABUS (all to away, along with a couple of yellows to home). During that time I’d had to go over to calm the away coach down (could have yellow carded at that point in hindsight). With about ten minutes to go, the away captain talked himself into a break in the sin bin, which left his team down to 8. At this point, the away coach had come onto the field screaming and shouting, so I walked over, told him to calm down and to leave the pitch immediately. I’d already decided I was going to dismiss him at that point, but he didn’t retreat and instead moved further towards me, telling me (in terms I won’t repeat) how I was ruining the game, screwing his team over and that I should have an orange bib on (home side were in orange). He clearly wasn’t calming down, so I showed the red and as I did he moved towards me again. Fearing for my safety, I blew the whistle to abandon and walked off the pitch. Full support from the home side to be fair to them and the coach asked me to make sure I reported (never in doubt) and saying to come to him and his parents if I needed any witnesses. I also had several parents come over to tell me I’d done the right thing and offered support.

I held back until the away coach had left and walked over to the other side of the field for my next game. As I waited, I spotted the coach coming back for more. From about 15 yards away he screamed some more abuse, telling me again how I’d ruined Christmas along with some other pretty disgusting stuff before walking off. Had both sets out coaches from the game next to me come over to check I was alright, which tells you how loud he was.

It‘s ruined my weekend and I’m again finding myself sat wondering why I bother. Why get out of bed to be abused at a kids football match? Reports will be going in later and then it‘s a break until the new year, but not 100% sure I’ll be back.
 
The Ref Stop
You definitely were spot on in what you did! It’s such a shame that youth football spirals in to this and it is unacceptable.

I hope you have a great Christmas and decide to come back. Best thing I did was take more games as an AR. Work as a three and usually and still involved, even if it’s not quite the same as being in the middle!
 
Disgusting behaviour.

Not sure you could have done much more with him or his team, no matter how early you brought out the cards.

Could have sent him away earlier I guess, but that's with a big dollop of hindsight!

I know you will, but make sure you report everything, including the 'afters' as a separate misconduct report over and above the dismissal.
 
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M8 well done for getting through it. You have nothing to regret here. The coach will wake up one day soon and realise he is in the wrong job and he will have nightmares about his idiocy. Many of his players and parents were cheering you inside.

You have done the basic correct things with sound judgement.

That you could get through this shows you are really good at it. Don’t take it all on yourself - talk to your people, your RDO and have an awesome xmas:)
 
Mental! Which age group was this?
This was U16!

You may have different tolerance over there, but in a youth game I would have absolutely tossed the coach for OFFINABUS when I heard his haranguing of his team with that language about the other team.
I did consider it, and with hindsight it would have been the right decision. How would you suggest approaching that situation? It would look a bit odd walking into a team talk to dismiss the coach. Would you perhaps wait until the team are heading back onto the pitch?
 
Hope you are ok. Don't let him win.

Have a break and think about it again. It's like child birth, never again when you go through it but you forget the pain soon enough (so I've heard). 😊
 
The coach is saying that his player can't afford the fine, but he's the one riling his team up to commit the fouls that deserve the cautions! And it's your fault for doing what you're expected to do! Brilliant. If the player really can't afford the fine then maybe the coach will pay it for him. I hear this, and my view is always "if you can't do the time, don't do the crime!" If players really cannot afford to be cautioned then they should play in a way which means they are not likely to be cautioned.

The good thing is that as you have reported the matter, as well as ticking the box to state that the match was abandoned on Whole game, the FA will look at this. The team will be seriously fined and hopefully it will get the coach out of the game. If not he will have to change his ways or it will get expensive.

As others have said, don't let him win. If this is something you enjoy then keep at it. If you keep on at them and always send the reports in when people give you trouble like this then it will get easier.
I had a local team last weekend who have been an absolute nightmare in the past. The team has just switched leagues and have been giving the referees on the new league trouble so they are only given certain refs. I walked into the dressing room as they were coming out and I heard the manager (who is the cause of most of the trouble) tell his team "OK, you know what he's like so I don't want anyone giving the ref dissent! If you do then you're paying it!" I then had the easiest game I've ever had with this team, with only two cautions for reckless challenges and nothing for dissent. This team are learning that they won't win, which gives everyone a better game. I'm working on the rest!

I've found that teams are giving a lot more grief than before the pandemic. I sent a player off in a Church League game last week for offensive language, and then had to warn him that if he swore at me again I'd abandon the game before I could get him to leave!

There are far more people who appreciate what we do than those who don't - it's just that we focus on the ones who give us grief.
 
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. We do see on here quite a lot, different referees reflecting about games stating, maybe I should've given a yellow earlier or maybe I should've warned the manager earlier. All of us should use other referees reviews on here as learning points for our games too, don't let that borderline challenge early on go, don't let dissent go and don't give the manager/coach the benefit of the doubt.

In terms of the managers half time inspirational talk, You have a duty there to abandon I would say. If I were a parent of either team hearing that I would be taking my son away from that game or I would be expecting the managers or referee as a responsible adult to address it. At the very least, if you are deciding to carry on with the match, a public talking to, to the manager and players about what you heard and what your expectations are for the second half.

It's a tough one and in the heat of the moment it's tough knowing what to do with no assistants. I wouldn't be downhearted about it though, if anything, big yourself up a little, you made the right calls with the reds, yellows and sinbins and made the right call to abandon. A weaker less experienced referee may not have handled it and it could've resulted in serious injury.
 
From what you have mentioned about the 'team talk' I would definitely be sharing that with the league as a safeguarding issue. That behaviour needs to be raised as a serious cause for concern.
 
I did consider it, and with hindsight it would have been the right decision. How would you suggest approaching that situation? It would look a bit odd walking into a team talk to dismiss the coach. Would you perhaps wait until the team are heading back onto the pitch?

Kinda depends. A bit of a feel thing. I would probably call the coach out of the huddle as he probably knows I'm there and that comment was at least 1/2 for my "benefit."

(The league I do here at that age has a coach-sent-off = forfeit rule (which was instituted as part of a crackdown on coach behavior). So for me, the send off is also an abandonment.)
 
I've always been advised to make sure that I take my half-time drink a good distance away from the team talks, for exactly that reason - it's easier for everyone if there's no threat of you having to card for OFFINABUS or dissent during the break.
 
I've always been advised to make sure that I take my half-time drink a good distance away from the team talks,

Good advice I've had is, go grab your drinks and then go back in the centre circle and patrol the circle. And make it clear that anyone approaching is risking a caution/dismissal - because now they have to track from the touchline all the way over to you and ignore any potential 'go aways', makes it very nice and easy to sell if they cause trouble, particularly now we can caution/dismiss officials.
 
Context - I was allocated two youth games at the same ground for yesterday. Early game was lost due to a COVID outbreak in the away team (familiar story the last few weeks) but the home side organised a friendly, which I agreed to ref. Still needed to go for my late game anyway, so made sense.

Two reds, four yellows, two sin bins, a dismissed coach and an abandonment later, I wished I’d stayed in bed.

I let an early borderline challenge go, which with hindsight probably should have been a yellow, but aside from that the first twenty minutes was relatively uneventful. Away side went 1-0 down and immediately started to get frustrated, nothing major but little pushes, niggly fouls etc, so I started giving everything, slowed the game down and it seemed to have worked; got to HT with just a yellow for a reckless challenge by an away defender.

Blew for HT and the away coach wandered on as I was walking off (not aggressively) but preceded to tell me it was a man’s game and that I’ve ruined the Christmas of the lad I cautioned because his Mum can’t afford the fine :oops:. Just told him that that isn’t any of my business and that I can only referee what’s in front of me. He then wandered over to his team for the team talk, during which he told them to “get into these c*nts, they’re”f**cking weak as p**s” amongst a million other expletives and just generally riled them up. I might as well have abandoned it at that point because it soon became clear that the game had totally gone and I wasn’t getting it back.

Had a yellow for a poor challenge within about a minute of the second half started, followed by a sin bin and two reds for OFFINABUS (all to away, along with a couple of yellows to home). During that time I’d had to go over to calm the away coach down (could have yellow carded at that point in hindsight). With about ten minutes to go, the away captain talked himself into a break in the sin bin, which left his team down to 8. At this point, the away coach had come onto the field screaming and shouting, so I walked over, told him to calm down and to leave the pitch immediately. I’d already decided I was going to dismiss him at that point, but he didn’t retreat and instead moved further towards me, telling me (in terms I won’t repeat) how I was ruining the game, screwing his team over and that I should have an orange bib on (home side were in orange). He clearly wasn’t calming down, so I showed the red and as I did he moved towards me again. Fearing for my safety, I blew the whistle to abandon and walked off the pitch. Full support from the home side to be fair to them and the coach asked me to make sure I reported (never in doubt) and saying to come to him and his parents if I needed any witnesses. I also had several parents come over to tell me I’d done the right thing and offered support.

I held back until the away coach had left and walked over to the other side of the field for my next game. As I waited, I spotted the coach coming back for more. From about 15 yards away he screamed some more abuse, telling me again how I’d ruined Christmas along with some other pretty disgusting stuff before walking off. Had both sets out coaches from the game next to me come over to check I was alright, which tells you how loud he was.

It‘s ruined my weekend and I’m again finding myself sat wondering why I bother. Why get out of bed to be abused at a kids football match? Reports will be going in later and then it‘s a break until the new year, but not 100% sure I’ll be back.

I wouldn't worry too much about the line about affording the fine - if Mum can afford weekly subs, boots and all the other accoutrements, then ten quid shouldn't beyond her, or the club. This sounds a lot like a game I had some months ago with abuse from both sides, and I should have abandoned it long before I eventually did. Make sure you include an extraordinary misconduct report about the away coach coming back for seconds. It sounds like you've done absolutely everything as you should, by the book, and the away coach has lost his marbles.

Try not to let this moron get you down, enjoy your Christmas, and hopefully your first game in the new year will help you remember why you started in the first place. :)
 
Completely agree that you’ve followed correct procedures and done what you can in that unpleasant circumstance.

I also echo the view that the coaches language and attitudes at half time should absolutely be reported as a safeguarding concern.
 
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Thanks, as always, to everyone for the helpful and supportive replies.

Obviously easier with hindsight, but I think it's pretty clear that I should have found a way to deal with the half time behaviour. Even now I'm not sure how I'd have gone about that being on my own with no assistants, but one to consider for the future. I've flagged this behaviour (as well as a few other bits) to the league's safeguarding officer.

Also noted on the half time drinks point. I'm usually pretty limited in terms of where I can go as I try not to set myself up on the parents' side of the pitch, but grabbing my drink and heading back into the middle is a good idea.
 
I let an early borderline challenge go, which with hindsight probably should have been a yellow, but aside from that the first twenty minutes was relatively uneventful.

So, there's no defending the subsequent series of actions, but I think this is your problem. If you allow an early incident of misconduct to go unpunished, when it was a nailed-on misconduct, then you're asking for trouble. There really is no "aside from that" when it comes to failing to take an early opportunity to take control and show that you're interested in defending the safety of the players.
 
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