Mental health

[Hazzy]

Hello everyone,

I just officiated my third game—an open men’s match—and while it generally went well, I faced significant challenges. There were a couple of offsides and a red card decision for serious foul play which, considering the strong reactions from the affected team, I might have judged incorrectly.

I find myself increasingly anxious before games, struggling with sleeplessness the night before, and distressed by how quickly a good game can be perceived as poor due to one or two mistakes. The level of verbal abuse and dissent is overwhelming, with no respect for my decisions (e.g., an injured player refused to leave the field to avoid his team being down to ten men, and any attempt at cautioning led to severe dissent).

Moreover, my attempts to seek guidance from the referee development officer have been met with silence, leaving me feeling unsupported and disheartened. This situation makes me question my future in refereeing.

I have immense respect for all of you here—how do you handle such dissent and maintain your composure? I’m honestly close to stepping down if the next couple of games are as demoralizing as the recent ones. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I’d like to add, my day job on paper would be seem as 10x harder than refereeing (think doctor/police/fireman etc)…but I will tell you, refereeing is 10x mentally harder. Now I see why the retention rate is dire.

Any advice? If you’re advice is that I am probably
not cut for this and should step down, then I’ll take that! I’m probably not, given my strong negative emotions rn. Not the level I expected .

 

[es1]

attempts to seek guidance from the referee development officer have been met with silence

This is very disappointing to read. Have you just tried email or have you phoned?

Mistakes certainly affect me and I've had sleepless nights after some howlers, but I guess being more experienced I was able to get over and still go into my next game confident.

Do you have a mentor? I hope you have as a new referee...get in touch with them and get them along to your next game to give you some proper feedback

 

[Hazzy]

This is very disappointing to read. Have you just tried email or have you phoned?

Mistakes certainly affect me and I've had sleepless nights after some howlers, but I guess being more experienced I was able to get over and still go into my next game confident.

Do you have a mentor? I hope you have as a new referee...get in touch with them and get them along to your next game to give you some proper feedback

Email and WhatsApp. No email reply, and few WhatsApp texts left on seen.

Yeah the howlers unexpectedly affect me, I’m usually pretty tough but being told “you’re a F’ing idiot”, losing team manager saying “I would write you a very poor report but I can’t be bothered with the paper work” etc.

I don’t have a mentor, I asked my RDO for one but was left on seen.

 

[ChasObserverRefDeveloper]

Email and WhatsApp. No email reply, and few WhatsApp texts left on seen.

Yeah the howlers unexpectedly affect me, I’m usually pretty tough but being told “you’re a F’ing idiot”, losing team manager saying “I would write you a very poor report but I can’t be bothered with the paper work” etc.

I don’t have a mentor, I asked my RDO for one but was left on seen.

If you are in England and newly qualified you are a Referees Association member. Contact either your local RA branch or the National RA for assistance - they have support available.

 

[Viridis1886]

It might be that you need to build up your experience doing youth games for a bit and then make the step into open age fixtures.

You can get a good level of competition at U16 and U18 to just build up your general competencies and confidence and the dip into the older ones.

Getting nervous isn't a bad thing, but sleepless nights and anxiety is on the wrong side of this. It was common for me to replay errors in my head when I first started but I'm much better now at turning this into a reflective experience and then moving forward with it.

 

[Gabriel]

As @ChasObserverRefDeveloper said, your local RA will be significantly more helpful on this one than your RDO. They deal with these things more compassionately, and if they don't help then you can try charities such as RefSupport UK as well. Your RDO, hopefully, is probably just busy and not ignoring you. They do have whole counties of refs to sort, but your local RA will just have a couple of smaller towns.

 

[DazN]

I’ve recently taken a break myself as I’ve largely fallen out of love with the sport due to the general behaviour of players, parents and fans. I’ll continue to referee my sons team’s games if we don’t get an appointed referee but I really don’t know if I want the stress anymore.

Coincidentally I’ve just taken my cricket umpiring course and if the summer goes well I might just stick to that.

 

[Hazzy]

I’ve recently taken a break myself as I’ve largely fallen out of love with the sport due to the general behaviour of players, parents and fans. I’ll continue to referee my sons team’s games if we don’t get an appointed referee but I really don’t know if I want the stress anymore.

Coincidentally I’ve just taken my cricket umpiring course and if the summer goes well I might just stick to that.

I might take a break for a couple of weeks and see how I feel. I cannot believe that this can affect mental health!

 

[Hazzy]

As @ChasObserverRefDeveloper said, your local RA will be significantly more helpful on this one than your RDO. They deal with these things more compassionately, and if they don't help then you can try charities such as RefSupport UK as well. Your RDO, hopefully, is probably just busy and not ignoring you. They do have whole counties of refs to sort, but your local RA will just have a couple of smaller towns.

Yes, I think my RDO must be very busy, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. I’ll contact local RA. Thank you for your advice

 

[Hazzy]

It might be that you need to build up your experience doing youth games for a bit and then make the step into open age fixtures.

You can get a good level of competition at U16 and U18 to just build up your general competencies and confidence and the dip into the older ones.

Getting nervous isn't a bad thing, but sleepless nights and anxiety is on the wrong side of this. It was common for me to replay errors in my head when I first started but I'm much better now at turning this into a reflective experience and then moving forward with it.

It might be that you need to build up your experience doing youth games for a bit and then make the step into open age fixtures.

You can get a good level of competition at U16 and U18 to just build up your general competencies and confidence and the dip into the older ones.

Getting nervous isn't a bad thing, but sleepless nights and anxiety is on the wrong side of this. It was common for me to replay errors in my head when I first started but I'm much better now at turning this into a reflective experience and then moving forward with it.

How do you deal with 1) making poor decisions and 2) relentless abuse/dissent? I like your suggestion of starting with younger teams and building up. Perhaps I was naive to do open age so fast (in my 1st and second game)

 

[Russell Jones]

How do you deal with 1) making poor decisions and 2) relentless abuse/dissent? I like your suggestion of starting with younger teams and building up. Perhaps I was naive to do open age so fast (in my 1st and second game)

On 1) I'd suggest starting from the philosophy that everyone on the pitch is human and everyone will make mistakes - especially in your early days, it's entirely to be expected! Sometimes it's helpful to register the often horrific mistakes by the players, in order to remind yourself that, generally speaking, players get the refs they deserve!. With 2) the simple answer is, don't allow it to get to that stage! You have many tools at your disposal but the most important thing is to 'nip in the bud' any disagreement from the players and never ever simply ignore it. Where sin bins are in use, they can be used as a powerful deterrent .. but you also need to be prepared to use them for disagreement that is simply too obvious to be otherwise managed. And abuse is, quite simply, a red card offence. Anything you deem to be Offensive, Insulting or Abusive gives you every right to send off. Overall, what you don't punish, you encourage .....

 

[The Ginger Ref]

Any advice? If you’re advice is that I am probably
not cut for this and should step down, then I’ll take that! I’m probably not, given my strong negative emotions rn. Not the level I expected .

First things first, thank you for sharing. Talking is the hardest part when you are struggling with your mental health. As mentioned you have the RA available to you, if the RDO isn't available, consider your safeguarding officer. If you are in employment, see if your employer offers counselling support and remember there are free helplines such as the Samaritans.

Also consider apps like Calm, Headspace and other mindfulness based applications which may help reduce your anxiety pre and post game, as well as when trying to sleep.

Only you can decide whether you are "cut out for it", no one else. But don't let your early experiences, offensive or abusive individuals or imposter syndrome put you off!

How do you deal with 1) making poor decisions and 2) relentless abuse/dissent? I like your suggestion of starting with younger teams and building up. Perhaps I was naive to do open age so fast (in my 1st and second game)

1. Just accept / understand / be aware that you are going to make mistakes, as are the players, as are the managers. Human beings make mistakes every single day at work, driving, at home etc. It's about how we recover from them. Whether you are confident enough to say "Yeah I got that one wrong", you will come across more human and hopefully the players / coaches will be understanding of that.
   
   Identify the reason you made mistake, what contributed to it, learn from it and you're unlikely to make the same error twice.
   
   
2. I think this is where you may need to practice situational deafness, especially if you are refereeing OA football, you are going to get some industrial language. However, once it becomes dissent, implement the sin bin procedure (players will get on their teammate's back) and when it becomes abusive dismiss them from the field of play / from the technical area.

 

[markref]

Unfortunately some teams smell new referees like sharks smell blood in the water. They don’t understand that they weren’t the brilliant players they are now () straight away and needed to learn to get to the level they are at. This is the same as you learning how to manage the game. I’ve mentored some new referees recently and the dissent they got was appalling. Players seem to expect referees to be the finished article from day 1.

I wouldn’t worry about the team’s reaction suggesting you got the decision wrong. Quite often the teams you will be having at this stage of your career aren’t used to referees who enforce the laws. Also, they will often find that if they moan enough even if you don’t change your mind on this one you may well not make the same decision next time because you don’t want the grief you got again.

It is likely you made a lot fewer mistakes than the players did, so don’t worry about getting things wrong. If they were any good they wouldn’t be playing in a game with a trainee referee! Referees and players tend to be a similar level - the better referees tend to do the better / most difficult games.
We are our own worst enemy and beat ourselves up after a difficult game, when usually we didn’t do a lot wrong.

As has been suggested, it may help doing youth games to help yourself settle in. Also, go and watch some other referees / try doing some lines. As a referee you will watch the game differently. It will help you to see how other referees handle dissent. If you watch a range of referees you will see some who deal with it well and others who don’t and suffer as a result.

This site is really helpful for newer refs and you will learn a lot from people on here. Good luck

 

[santa sangria]

Hello everyone,

I just officiated my third game—an open men’s match—and while it generally went well, I faced significant challenges. There were a couple of offsides and a red card decision for serious foul play which, considering the strong reactions from the affected team, I might have judged incorrectly.

I find myself increasingly anxious before games, struggling with sleeplessness the night before, and distressed by how quickly a good game can be perceived as poor due to one or two mistakes. The level of verbal abuse and dissent is overwhelming, with no respect for my decisions (e.g., an injured player refused to leave the field to avoid his team being down to ten men, and any attempt at cautioning led to severe dissent).

Moreover, my attempts to seek guidance from the referee development officer have been met with silence, leaving me feeling unsupported and disheartened. This situation makes me question my future in refereeing.

I have immense respect for all of you here—how do you handle such dissent and maintain your composure? I’m honestly close to stepping down if the next couple of games are as demoralizing as the recent ones. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I’d like to add, my day job on paper would be seem as 10x harder than refereeing (think doctor/police/fireman etc)…but I will tell you, refereeing is 10x mentally harder. Now I see why the retention rate is dire.

Any advice? If you’re advice is that I am probably
not cut for this and should step down, then I’ll take that! I’m probably not, given my strong negative emotions rn. Not the level I expected .

It is hard. I also found the emotional side really hard for a few years TBH.

Seems like you are very lonely out there. I learned to love refereeing through running the line. It was the better matches, camaraderie, community, learning from better refs, going through tough incidents together. After a few seasons of that I was much better able to the matches alone that I found extremely challenging in the first year.

But… if you keep progressing it does also still get “harder” and there will always be tough times. Expected the unexpected. And you learn to be prepared. A handful of matches in, you are not prepared - that’s OK. Most importantly look after yourself.

 

[Viridis1886]

I never go out expecting NOT to make a mistake. It's part of life and definitely part of refereeing. I just go out trying to do my best and with time and experience you will get better.

When you do make a mistake, it's important not to dwell on it at the time. Box it off in your head, refocus and move on to the next decision. The time to reflect is after the game.

With reference to abuse/dissent... that's what cards are for. Abuse = red. Dissent = Sin Bin. Use the cards, they are your best tool for managing behaviour.

 

[RefRyanAus]

Some excellent advice has been provided by others. I very much feel for your situation and hope you are OK. Refereeing OA football as a new referee and with little or no support must be very challenging, and if I am completely honest, seems like a sure fire way to burn through new referees. I am not sure I would have coped well with this scenario either. Good progression as a referee requires opportunities to both test our skills in higher standard games and hone our skills in games which are likely less challenging. Some younger age groups or woman’s games might be a good way for you to learn those foundational refereeing skills (including game management) in a less demanding environment. I doubt it is that you are not cut out to be a referee. A couple of good experiences and a clearer pathway for development and you might feel completely different. My advice would be to try and hang in there, endeavour to get some different types of game and see if you can get some AR roles or otherwise some games where you have the support of a team. In my view being part of a referee team is the best part of refereeing, offering the best opportunity to learn, gain confidence and build positive relationships with colleagues who can help you along the way. Good luck and take care!

 

[Big Cat]

On 1) I'd suggest starting from the philosophy that everyone on the pitch is human and everyone will make mistakes - especially in your early days, it's entirely to be expected! Sometimes it's helpful to register the often horrific mistakes by the players, in order to remind yourself that, generally speaking, players get the refs they deserve!. With 2) the simple answer is, don't allow it to get to that stage! You have many tools at your disposal but the most important thing is to 'nip in the bud' any disagreement from the players and never ever simply ignore it. Where sin bins are in use, they can be used as a powerful deterrent .. but you also need to be prepared to use them for disagreement that is simply too obvious to be otherwise managed. And abuse is, quite simply, a red card offence. Anything you deem to be Offensive, Insulting or Abusive gives you every right to send off. Overall, what you don't punish, you encourage .....

Just a case of needing a mentor IMHO. Shame he doesn't Ref in Hertfordshire!

Just giving my tuppence worth.... I'd use the term 'Wellbeing' rather than 'Mental Health'. Experiencing distress has nothing to do with a diagnosable mental health disorder, but the former could lead to the latter if entirely unchecked and unmanaged .
Refereeing at any level and/or age group is tough yeh...? Impossible... Toughest thing I could imaging doing really... more of a mindfook than golf or snooker even... but the unique interpersonal stress means the art of reffing is inaccessible to most 'normal folk'. If a 'mental health' disorder is being triggered or jeopardized by refereeing football matches, then the sufferer should stop & reassess. Only then return or do something 'normal folk' enjoy

In England, managing player behaviour is by far, the number one competency

 

[OldNavyRef]

I had one today.

A player looked to have stomped on a players foot with force. I got the yellow out quickly to defuse the situation. The player was protesting that he hadn't touched him, I took name and number and moved on.

Then after restart I heard the fouled player laugh to the booked player saying 'Nah not cheating, I didn't ask the ref book you mate'.

Horrifying to hear, obviously been done like a kipper. Just got to move on.

It get easier more games in you get, because things you'll be obsessing about now, every throw in, every goal kick and careless foul will play in your head. But as you get more and more games, it all affects less and less.

Now the RA advice is great. Get in there. Meet the president of your local RA and ask for a chat with him. They are great. A member of my RA an ex championship referee just showed up to my game today with no warning, came into the dressing room and started tearing into all my bad habits that I do when I think no one is watching. Was great.

 

[SammyT5]

When I first started out I used to get incredibly nervous before any game. Some games I wouldn’t be able to eat beforehand because I was too nervous. I once even threw up in a park on the way to a game because I was so nervous - luckily nobody saw. Then when I got home all I’d do all day was replay decisions in my head and beat myself up about even the tiniest of things, even stuff like whether the corner that lead to a goal might actually have been a goal kick.

I managed to work past that though eventually. Now I’m confident before going into games, and unless I’ve had an absolute shocker I tend not to beat myself up, but instead try to learn from mistakes.

It all comes with experience and having the right support in place. I’m not particularly social so I am not overly active with a Referee’s Association, though I know that it’s there if I need it and do make sure to attend events occasionally. Once you’ve got a bit of experience you’ll also start to build up some contacts that you can trust for help - even referee secretaries in leagues can sometimes fill this role. This forum has also been helpful for development and did make me feel more confident.

What I’m saying is, you’re not alone in feeling like you do, in fact most of us here probably felt like that at one point. If you feel like refereeing is something that you want to do, try to stick with it and push through. Take breaks if you need, though really it’s all going to be about building confidence. You’ve already made a big step in becoming a referee in the first place. It’s important to remember that no referee will ever have a perfect game, and players will always jump on any mistakes, but as long as you know the laws and try your best, you’ll be fine.

 

[Hazzy]

Thank you for all your replies. Reading them all one by one and will act accordingly.

Can anybody experienced give me examples of their opinion of offinabus vs dissent that they had in real games? Does the home team manager saying to your face “you’re a F***ing idiot” when you don’t give a decision constitute a red…or is that yellow for dissent?