Open Age Genuinely not sure what I'm doing wrong (or is it just me??)

So I only had the one game this weekend, a local 'derby' if you will. Both sides well up for it.

Pitch OK, muddy but bounce test OK, no significant standing water, none in fact, both goal mouths fine, not much mud stuck to boots on my warmup so game on.

Been match day coached twice for promotion, had my difficult games but feedback around my whistle and voice is OK and have worked on continuously. Did my pre-match briefing, really outlined about dissent is a key one for me. Using captains, stepped approach.

Obviously all out of the window 2 minutes in. Decided to get a hold on the game, showing a early yellow card for a borderline reckless foul, stopping a SPA. First big flashpoint comes from a goal scored by the home team, which allegedly comes off his hand. For me, he's slipping under pressure from the defender, I don't see the ball come off his hand and give the goal, there is no outcry from either bench mainly from the players, who all rush up to me. "Captain" included. I tell him very clearly to get his lads away, which two do, apart from one player. He then dissents, and finds himself in the sin bin.
Perhaps too soft again from me, another player passes me and makes a comment which I've heard "he must have a yellow shirt on underneath his top". I know it's aimed at me, so I ask him clearly and loudly what he meant by that, and whether he wishes to repeat it. Obviously he doesn't, and I warn him and the captain that well could be another sin bin, or a offinabus scenario. I don't do either other than publicly rebuke the player loudly enough for others to hear.
The player serves his sin bin and then when returning to the pitch, makes a reckless foul in the attacking half for which I show him a second yellow card for. He is still dissenting at this point, the usual "I don't have clue what I'm doing, are you serious ref" etc etc.

At half time one of the managers wanted a quick word about the sin bin, for some reason there is still some dispute its a yellow card and a sin bin, even though this "rule" has been enforced for longer than I've been refereeing... The player I've sent off passes comment saying he wants a word, I've declined and he's told my he'll be waiting for me at 90 minutes in the carpark. I've asked him not to, and that I don't see anything constructive about having a discussion.

When starting the second half, I notice he's on the touchline. I came over and told him to move to the changing room or return to the carpark, not on the side of the pitch. Initially he's reluctant, tells me I'm a jobsworth for applying LoTG, but then starts moving but not before coming close to me to tell me he'll be waiting for me at full time to "lay me out". At this point I've abandoned the game. As some will know from a previous post on here I have already been involved in a match abandonment due to a player assault, and I'd rather do anything else than experience that. On the plus side, both managers were great and did have him removed. And through constructive dialogue we got the game going again as we had not kicked off yet.

What happens next, I can't help feel somewhat responsible for. Less than 5 minutes later, the home team attacker is DOGSO fouled by the goalkeeper (1v1 outside area, considering direction (going towards goal), defenders (clear of all defenders), control (the attacker has control, the goalkeeper does not), distance, literally on the outside of the area). As I am processing the GK clattering the attacker, with the red card in my hand, I notice the funny angle the GK leg is at. Think Harry Potters' arm in CoS but his leg from the knee down... It's then very apparent his leg is very broken, to which I've called medical staff (if you can call a man with deep freeze bag medical staff) on, and shortly afterwards the game is abandoned.

Again I'm sure this is just one big rant about my game, but I can't help but find myself in the same scenario I have before: If I'd abandoned the first time this would've never happened. I try be lenient and get walked over and get abused, I use the tools I've been told to use whistle, cards, voice and it still happens. I don't know any other newly qualified referee at least in my county that has had 2 abandonments in the same season, 3 red cards in the past 3 games 2 of which requiring extraordinary reports to the FA... I have to be honest, this is ruining my confidence in myself. As I've put on another post I am meant to be going abroad to referee clearly someone somewhere thinks I'm good enough to represent my county and essentially my country internationally but I have this performance anxiety that I can't or am not doing something correctly at home, what's the point trying to do it away from home?

I'm sure my RDO is absolutely sick of seeing emails and EI reports from me, to the point where I wish I just didn't have to report most of it

I know I just need to stick it out, a lot of local referees have already said that it's all good experience even if it's bad but just struggling. Sorry for anyone that had to read this

Reffing is about learning - constantly.

I started reffing over 30 years ago and for the first 5 years it was a constant learning experience. Then you start to settle in and some things just become automatic.

The behaviour now is considerably worse than when i started.

The RDO is there to help you. If you want more advice and mentoring ask for it.

Also, you have to decide if all the paperwork and abuse s a good use of your time. Only you can decide that. The money is not enough for all this hassle.

Sorry you've had a rough start to your refereeing career. Firstly, I don't think you should be thinking "what if" I did this or that. You made the decision you felt relevant at the time with the experience and information you had. A colleague of mine who is now a level 4 also had a rough start to his career. The county sent some mentors out and watched him and told him he was doing fine.

Unfortunately player and spectator behavior at the grassroots level and even moving towards the professional game is continuing to deteriorate, I certainly don't envy new referees now. So, well done for taking up the whistle and upholding the image of the game!

As Kent Ref says your RDO is there to help you, hopefully there's enough of a workforce to come out and you have a coaching visit, especially with the experiences you've had so far. An alternative option would be maybe going to watch an experienced referee you know in the county or seeing if the RDO can point / link you up with one to go and watch. It might help give you ideas or other tools to manage things like dissent or scenarios differently.

Stick with it, we all go through rough patches, and remember you can have a break and come back in a few weeks etc. Final bit of advice which my RDO gave to me recently is, don't over think it.

To be fair, this just sounds like a run of bad scenarios in games, rather than doing anything on your part to add gas to the fire. I have no clue what else you could have done in this situation. I've had quite a few bad games where they turned violent, only on the regional level never on the national luckily.

And as @Kent Ref said, it's your use of time and you decide. But from my POV I've had the same and especially when you're younger and starting off it's really off-putting. But when things start rolling and setbacks are inevitable, you really realize that it might be worth it especially in a sense of "love of the game".

Every game is a new game, it's a learning situation and in the end it'll make you better both on and off the pitch.

First of all mate, well done.

Sounds like you've handled most of that really well - it just won't feel like it because I would imagine nobody else there had the foggiest idea of what good refereeing looks like.

As described it sounds like the majority of your decisions were spot on and it's very clear that you want to improve and get feedback which is an admirable trait (particularly given how you're feeling - it would be very easy to lose interest)

With regards to the half time incident, did you actually abandon the game, or just threaten to if he didn't move?
If it was the former, I think you ought to stick to your guns and continue with the abandonment. No RDO or appointments officer etc. is going to take issue with a referee abandoning a game after that sort of comment.

However, the second half incident - not your fault in any capacity. Those sort of things unfortunately happen in football from time to time, and it reads like you have upheld your duty of care to the players as far as possible. Football is a contact sport and sometimes players get that contact wrong - with nothing a referee can do as much as we would like to.

Please continue to submit any reports that you have - that's so important for the county discipline to have, and it might just prevent someone else further down the line having those issues.

Keep going, you’re self reflecting, improving, try different approaches, asking for advice well done.

Just some games are a pain, Collina or Oliver would have exactly the same issues!

Have you a refereeing colleague who can come & watch one of your games?

Are you a member at your local RA for support?

Good posts above.
@norfolkref from posts I have seen from you it sounds like you really care about your refereeing which is great. If you stick with it you will eventually get a lot more enjoyment out of it than the pain in the neck games you have had.

Your OP reads like you made all the right decisions. Struggling to find advice not already mentioed but will try.

I found pre-match briefings at lower leagues to be a waste of time and sometimes even unhelpful so I avoid them. But you may have a different experience.

I had a similar experience in the first year or two of my refereeing in that I felt I am dishing out more cards than others and my games are more confrontational. An advice that helped me a lot was to consciously build a rapport with the teams before the game starts. Let them see the human side of you. You are there 'for' them not against them (especially if you do pre-match breifing). The little complements or cheeky remarks while they are warming up. The handshakes and intro with the captains or managers as soon as you are there. All these small things are likely cause them being less confrontational when a decision goes against them.
During the game be mindfull of having the right balance in communicating free kicks and cards to avoid confrotation or aggrevating the offender/offended. Most adults can't handle being punished too well. Keep in mind confidence can sometimes be confused with arrogance.

Hope this helps. Not saying you do/don't do any of these. Just some tips that have helped me over the years.

I agree with @one about pre game briefing. Telling players what you are going to do can create a trap for you when what you think is the right decision isn’t quite what you said. (The only thing I do specifically in pregame is remind the captains that AR flags are for me, not the players, and suggest they remind their defenders. I don’t do it so much that I expect the players to actually pay attention as if something happens where I wave down a flag and they stop, I can remind them they were told.)

norfolkref said:

When starting the second half, I notice he's on the touchline. I came over and told him to move to the changing room or return to the carpark, not on the side of the pitch. Initially he's reluctant, tells me I'm a jobsworth for applying LoTG, but then starts moving but not before coming close to me to tell me he'll be waiting for me at full time to "lay me out".

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Apart from all of the useful replies on here, this is only other thing that stuck out to me... If the sent off player is stood on the touchline, I'm fairly sure that I would not be approaching him - but speaking with his manager / captain about getting him removed. Less confrontational...

one said:

I found pre-match briefings at lower leagues to be a waste of time and sometimes even unhelpful so I avoid them. But you may have a different experience.

Click to expand...

I wholeheartedly agree with this now I'm four years in. Started doing it at youth and adult, and it was all great pre-match, but I very quickly realised it didn't make a blind bit of difference during the match and, as one says, at times could be counter-productive.

one said:

I had a similar experience in the first year or two of my refereeing in that I felt I am dishing out more cards than others and my games are more confrontational. An advice that helped me a lot was to consciously build a rapport with the teams before the game starts... The handshakes and intro with the captains or managers as soon as you are there. All these small things are likely cause them being less confrontational when a decision goes against them.

Click to expand...

Again, this. I always arrive 45 minutes before kick off (bearing in mind, this is uni, U14 to U18 and parks football), and get the intros in early with captains, and equipment/jewellery check - it's not foolproof but in conjunction with the advice below certainly helps.

I would add an observation that at our level (ours being me & you @norfolkref , not me and @one !), at youth and other levels, there's a regular reticence from referees to issue cards, so that can add to the grief when you enforce the LotG.

one said:

During the game be mindfull of having the right balance in communicating free kicks and cards to avoid confrotation or aggrevating the offender/offended. Most adults can't handle being punished too well. Keep in mind confidence can sometimes be confused with arrogance.

Click to expand...

Communication is very important, both when to say something and when not to. Explaining decisions as you're making them helps even when they don't agree, as being willing to explain in a little more detail if everything's respectful and the time is right. Had one U18 at the weekend who very respectfully had already asked a couple of questions and accepted the explanation given. I missed a trip on him (it looked to me like he slipped over on the wet, not-great 3G surface) and when I explained what I saw and was happy to admit I might have missed it from my angle, he was perfectly reasonable.

Not every player will be, and as you've already experienced, not matter what you do and how much you use the variety of techniques and skills you already are, some players just can't be helped.

You're clearly taking it seriously, showing enough to go with your County to the Iber Cup and you're on here getting feedback and learning from others, which is all a lot of us who plough our hobby at the lower levels have, so keep doing what you're doing.