How do you put up with it?

I've been refereeing for twelve months now and I think I'm soon going to be one of the 7,000 who quit each year.
I'm already emotionally exhausted from the constant barracking by players, coaches and spectators. I'm fed up of teams that seem to have no understanding of the concept of dissent, and seem astonished whenever I issue a card for it and send them to the sin bin. I'm fed up of being challenged over every single call I make, in match featuring teams for whom whether they win or lose could not possibly have any meaningful consequence.
I was recently physically assaulted on the pitch by a player in a men's game, and not one of the other players thought to ask if I was okay, instead just taking the opportunity to complain about previous decisions. Then today, as I was leaving the field, a spectator called me a complete disgrace and told me that I didn't know how to referee, in a game that didn't have a bad tackle or any moments of genuine controversy.
I don't need the money, I was doing this because I love football and wanted to do something that I thought would be interesting and fulfilling.
I don't want to be left feeling like this every other week.
I can't be alone in feeling this way. How do the rest of you deal with this?

1) coaches and players - relentlessly use all the tools at your disposal (stepped approach, body language, cards, sin bins) to emphasise that clear disagreement with your decisions will only end badly for those doing it. Most importantly, spot that key first moment in each game where disagreement becomes too loud, provocative etc and (as a minimum) have a strong public word to place a clear marker that it will not be tolerated going forward

2) spectators - treat their input with the complete indifference it deserves. Generally, they don’t know the laws, only want one team to get helpful decisions, might well have been drinking and haven’t got the cojones to referee. Water off a duck’s back

Any physical contact, spitting, or intimidation that causes fear for your safety is wholly unnacceptable and should be met with extreme punishment
I really enjoy the other 99% of bad behaviour howver. I feel part of the culture and embrace the opprtunity for personal development that the rest of it brings. I'd llike us, as a community of referees to improve the culture and begaviour of football participants, but we've not made any inroads in my lifetime and the commercialisation of the game and decadence of society means it aint gonna happen, so we either need to be 'special' and find a way of embracing the experience, or go off and do something else.

I have been refereeing for around 20 years and am lucky to have been inly subjected to threats and an couple of pushes from players andall times the league and FA have checked up on me. All you can do is report it and let the authorities deal with it.

As for players I don't get too many arguments nowadays - its all about being confident - or appearing to be.

For spectators they alway are "passionate" about their teams and will always see a game with blinkers on. I don't tend to hear much of what is said or let it bother me, but that could be from experience.

I am not sure how old you are easytiger but if your young, oder players will question you more.

Sounds like you could do with a couple of weeks off to work out if this is a path you want to continue with - or speak to your RDO and see if it is possible for someone to come along and watch (Coach or mentor).

I had been feeling similar to the OP up until a couple of weeks ago. Basically I went through a phase of a around a month of every game being hard work and sending off at least 1 player in those games. Most of the sending off were at full time whistle, the final one coming from am U17 player and his father followed by threatening to "smash my face in". Fortunately for me I get on very well with the club and I was updated by the coach that the player that threatened me has received a 4 month ban.
I felt totally abandoned and received no communication from my RDO/RA/Local FA (I've since complained about that). I think receiving updates from cautions etc would certainly improve referee retention knowing that someone "Has their back".

Purron4 said:

I had been feeling similar to the OP up until a couple of weeks ago. Basically I went through a phase of a around a month of every game being hard work and sending off at least 1 player in those games. Most of the sending off were at full time whistle, the final one coming from am U17 player and his father followed by threatening to "smash my face in". Fortunately for me I get on very well with the club and I was updated by the coach that the player that threatened me has received a 4 month ban.
I felt totally abandoned and received no communication from my RDO/RA/Local FA (I've since complained about that). I think receiving updates from cautions etc would certainly improve referee retention knowing that someone "Has their back".

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Just so it's clear, were the RDO/RA/Local FA aware of the issue? Did you advise your RDO? Discipline in some counties is now handled by an external agency, so they may have failed to advise the RDO.
Did you contact your local RA Secretary? County FA won't do so as they won't know whether you are a RA member.

I think that as a comparatively new referee on your local scene, players/
club officials will be trying to gain advantage by "trying it on".
Whenever I moved to a new area and refereed teams that were new to me, I made it clear to coaches before the game ("You do your job today, please, and let me do mine") and as others have said here you need to recognise the early signs during the game and be seen to deal with the issues (players and/or coaches)
If spectators become an unacceptable part of the match experience, the protocol in England is that you suspend a restart of play, talk with the home club manager, and tell them play will restart once the offender has been removed or agrees to shut up. Respect stewards should be in place for that purpose.
Keep at it - it gets easier with experience.

ChasObserverRefDeveloper said:

Just so it's clear, were the RDO/RA/Local FA aware of the issue? Did you advise your RDO? Discipline in some counties is now handled by an external agency, so they may have failed to advise the RDO.
Did you contact your local RA Secretary? County FA won't do so as they won't know whether you are a RA member.

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The local FA and RDO are in the same office. The RDO rarely gets involved in anything, he's like an enigma that's impossible to get in touch with. He usually gets an assistant to keep on top of things. They are aware as I complained to one of them when I refereed a local disability tournament on the FA pitch.
My local RA haven't been seen or heard from for over 6 months so that fell on deaf ears.

Refereeing is never going to be easy, and the public discourse about refereeing is getting worse, not better, and the FA still don't take respect seriously, so there's no sign of it improving. In that context, it takes a certain type of person to start their journey and continue it.

I'm sure most, if not all of us, had times where we wonder why we bother and I'd never criticise anyone for saying enough's enough and walking away. What I would say is to maybe have a break first before making a permanent decision. Earlier this season in our local Sunday League I'd had three annoying games in a row, culminating in one where I was called a 'F***ing ****' having first issued a C2 Sin Bin, then upgraded to straight red ("You're the worse refereee in the world" at the top of his voice."). EA report followed, naturally.

It didn't effect me per se, but I took a break form that league anyway because I concluded they just didn't deserve my (or anyone else's) services, and switched to doing U14 to U18 on Sundays. When I found out the player only received a two-game ban I informed the league I was done permanently. They were sympathetic to the problem but their hands are tied to a large degree by the FA's pathetically lenient sanctioning regime.

I'm now doing BUCS (university) football midweek and youth (U14s to U18s Sat, U18s Sun). It's still challenging (very, at time, with kids) but the quality is often better than Sunday league, they've not yet become professional gobsh1tes, they generally listen to and respect the referee and respond to the stepped approach, and it's infinitely more enjoyable. I am 52 though and only been doing it four years, so am content at my level and am not trying to move up the pyramid (I was, but the addition of mandated mentoring to our local promotion pathway mean L6 to L5 was out of the question for me with my own kids' sporting commitments as well).

I'd encourage you to try a similar thing if the Sunday League/Sat local league is getting you down.

When you feel like you've had a stinker, take a look at two sections on this forum. Firstly, the TV one and see Man City fans losing their rag about literally anything from yesterday to a decade ago. If they can't get it right at PGMOL, what hope have us mere mortals got? Secondly, see what's happening in [redacted] county where all their refs could start an argument in an empty room and realise you can't possibly be all that bad in comparison. Then be content with your position in between.

It’s not for everyone so don’t beat yourself if it’s not for you. And yes, it helps if you have pseudo-masochistic tendencies and an irrational love of football.

I would never have got past first base if I hadn’t had a close community. To ref grassroots alone is one of the toughest gigs going.

It's less mentally torturing than golf IMHO

Big Cat said:

It's less mentally torturing than golf IMHO

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I suggest stop standing in front of the tee box when players are teeing off.

Big Cat said:

It's less mentally torturing than golf IMHO

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Damning with faint praise .....

Plenty for you to consider, @easytiger. Among the main options, consider a while in a less fractious environment (e.g. the older youth football teams where there are no parents watching, or Academy football if available near you, or women's football, or college/University football, etc.) and also consider the benefits of acting as an Assistant Referee (which will give insight into how others deal with players and coaches)
In the meantime, remember that you are the one person being paid at your games, because you have taken the trouble to get a qualification that no-one else there has.
Look at all the options, but please don't give up!
Good luck.