Today might be the final game

[Kev the ref]

Been refereeing for 7 years and I’ve had 3 matches back after the COVID lay-off.

Maybe it was naive of me to think the enforced layoff would have players/coaches appreciating what they have, and play with a smile on their face.

I’m not sure I can handle another game of entitled, disrespectful crap from coaches. I only do youth football and the adults are absolutely the worst thing involved in it.

A yellow for dissent for one coach today, but the other one annoyed me more. Practically demanding an appointment to discuss an “offside” for the other team whilst we were still in play. No mention of the magnificent advantage for his own teams goal 2 minutes before it.

I just think I can’t be bothered with the hassle anymore. I’d like to think I’m a decent referee, been given a few cup finals and ran the line at others

I just can’t get away from this entitled crap from the adults. It seeps into the players and you can end up with a difficult day from barely anything.
Anyway, just wanted to let that out to others who know how difficult a job it is. Fingers are poised over the text to tell the coordinator at the league that I don’t want any more games.

 

[Big Cat]

Been refereeing for 7 years and I’ve had 3 matches back after the COVID lay-off.

Maybe it was naive of me to think the enforced layoff would have players/coaches appreciating what they have, and play with a smile on their face.

I’m not sure I can handle another game of entitled, disrespectful crap from coaches. I only do youth football and the adults are absolutely the worst thing involved in it.

A yellow for dissent for one coach today, but the other one annoyed me more. Practically demanding an appointment to discuss an “offside” for the other team whilst we were still in play. No mention of the magnificent advantage for his own teams goal 2 minutes before it.

I just think I can’t be bothered with the hassle anymore. I’d like to think I’m a decent referee, been given a few cup finals and ran the line at others

I just can’t get away from this entitled crap from the adults. It seeps into the players and you can end up with a difficult day from barely anything.
Anyway, just wanted to let that out to others who know how difficult a job it is. Fingers are poised over the text to tell the coordinator at the league that I don’t want any more games.

This game is not for everyone. Saying that, there may come a day when I'm thinking or saying the same thing
Being challenged, taking stick... even abuse), is a key aspect of the overall challenge that I find engaging/addictive

 

[Ben448844]

Been refereeing for 7 years and I’ve had 3 matches back after the COVID lay-off.

Maybe it was naive of me to think the enforced layoff would have players/coaches appreciating what they have, and play with a smile on their face.

I’m not sure I can handle another game of entitled, disrespectful crap from coaches. I only do youth football and the adults are absolutely the worst thing involved in it.

A yellow for dissent for one coach today, but the other one annoyed me more. Practically demanding an appointment to discuss an “offside” for the other team whilst we were still in play. No mention of the magnificent advantage for his own teams goal 2 minutes before it.

I just think I can’t be bothered with the hassle anymore. I’d like to think I’m a decent referee, been given a few cup finals and ran the line at others

I just can’t get away from this entitled crap from the adults. It seeps into the players and you can end up with a difficult day from barely anything.
Anyway, just wanted to let that out to others who know how difficult a job it is. Fingers are poised over the text to tell the coordinator at the league that I don’t want any more games.

Afternoon Kev. I'll let you into my world for 5 mins following you kindly letting us into yours.

Left my job 3 weeks ago. Been thinking about it for ages as for the first time in my life i was feeling genuinely stressed. It was a fairly senior role in an industry I've worked in for 17 years but circumstances were getting to me and I'm an old fashioned stiff upper lip type of chap who just gets on with things until then.

Took solice in my refereeing. Last week I have my first ever observation (didn't have one from 7-6). It went really well and I scored above standard. Just got in from my 2nd observation this morning. Horrible game in horrible weather. 8 cautions (never given more than 5 in a game before). One team lost discipline whilst trailing to a lesser side. 3 pens given and just that sinking feeling that I've had a shocker. Not bothered about the observation mark ill get, its the feeling I currently have that I've spent my free time doing something which I didn't enjoy one bit and I'm sat at home feeling pretty crestfallen and that I wish I'd have taken my partner out somewhere instead.

I cant mope about so I've given my head a wobble and told myself that I'll only give up if I have a full season feeling crap. Let's be honest, that won't happen and most games are enjoyable. I think I'm just down on myself and today I'm further disappointed with myself and the game as a whole.

I'm thinking back to the hundreds of times I'll have lost matches in my sporting career and to what one of my managers use to say. Think about what you could've dpne better and then park the game in your mind. Theres always the next match.

Good luck Kev

 

[Degnann]

This game is not for everyone
Conversely, this aspect of what we do (being challenged, taking stick... even abuse), is a key aspect of the overall challenge that I find engaging/addictive

I’m in the same boat as yourself.
I am a control freak so I quite enjoy some of the shouts knowing fine well it won’t change my decision.

To OP.
it can be difficult. You’ll know that as its been 7 year. Take a break and reevaluate. Vent here if need be.

not all games will be like that and there are good moments.

done a youth game this morning that was so refreshing. Coaches verbally agreeing with my decisions and some players actually telling the rest of their team to just get on with it.
If only it were like that everyweek.

 

[Big Cat]

Afternoon Kev. I'll let you into my world for 5 mins following you kindly letting us into yours.

Left my job 3 weeks ago. Been thinking about it for ages as for the first time in my life i was feeling genuinely stressed. It was a fairly senior role in an industry I've worked in for 17 years but circumstances were getting to me and I'm an old fashioned stiff upper lip type of chap who just gets on with things until then.

Took solice in my refereeing. Last week I have my first ever observation (didn't have one from 7-6). It went really well and I scored above standard. Just got in from my 2nd observation this morning. Horrible game in horrible weather. 8 cautions (never given more than 5 in a game before). One team lost discipline whilst trailing to a lesser side. 3 pens given and just that sinking feeling that I've had a shocker. Not bothered about the observation mark ill get, its the feeling I currently have that I've spent my free time doing something which I didn't enjoy one bit and I'm sat at home feeling pretty crestfallen and that I wish I'd have taken my partner out somewhere instead.

I cant mope about so I've given my head a wobble and told myself that I'll only give up if I have a full season feeling crap. Let's be honest, that won't happen and most games are enjoyable. I think I'm just down on myself and today I'm further disappointed with myself and the game as a whole.

I'm thinking back to the hundreds of times I'll have lost matches in my sporting career and to what one of my managers use to say. Think about what you could've dpne better and then park the game in your mind. Theres always the next match.

Good luck Kev

What was the vibe from the Observer following the game? 8 cautions has nought to do with whether you had a decent game. If they were all justified in Law, it could all work in your favour.

 

[lincs22]

HI @Kev the ref
My one regret in life was giving up refereeing after a bad couple of weeks.
Take a couple of weeks off before sending. While you only officiate juniors, I know that the coaches and parents can be worse than adults.
Most coaches want referees or they have to do it themselves. For the few idiots, who try and ruin your game, treat them with equal contempt.

For the who wants to discuss the offside - stop the match when he team is attacking, walk over to him and ask him onto the FOP. Tell him about his actions are unacceptable, yellow card him and award the IDFK against his team. He will properly react further, so RC and tell him to leave the area. There is nothing worse for these idiots than to lose the discussion....

Other referees and coaches will support you dealing with the idiots.

 

[Ben448844]

What was the vibe from the Observer following the game? 8 cautions has nought to do with whether you had a decent game. If they were all justified in Law, it could all work in your favour.

No idea yet, it was just a general feeling. Its not the report I'm bothered about, it was the old "why do I bother" day. I'd say I have a couple a season but for various reasons today seemed worse but it passes quickly. A city win this afternoon would help too

 

[Big Cat]

No idea yet, it was just a general feeling. Its not the report I'm bothered about, it was the old "why do I bother" day. I'd say I have a couple a season but for various reasons today seemed worse but it passes quickly. A city win this afternoon would help too

I've got an inclination the report will be better than you think. These games lie in wait for all of us... all we can do is limit the damage and get in the car

 

[SW20]

Hi @Kev the ref - sorry to hear about how your game went today. You're not alone though, I've probably just had my most challenging game as a Referee. I had to deal with my first mass confrontation. Really difficult and not pleasant whatsoever. Cue the obvious remarks about the Ref losing control of the game etc but that's obviously water off a duck's back. This was at youth level and the mass brawl at the end of the game involved both team officials and parents, quite unbelievable really.

I'd probably have considered giving up refereeing on the league in question a few years ago on the back of such a game (I had last season off infact) but I'm just trying to focus on what I could've done better during the game and then moving on. I had a Red Card DOGSO decision to make with 5 minutes left of the game. Easy option would've been to book the player as his team were 5 goals down anyway and I doubt anybody would've carerd, but I did what was right and applied the LOTG. As you might imagine, the Coaches weren't happy about this but ultimately, I did what was right.

At the end of the day, there's only so much we can do. Ultimately, players are responsible for their own actions on the field of play (same goes for coaches too as in your case) and it's our duty to apply any sanctions that are required as a result of their actions. So I'd advise sticking with it if you can and moving on. I rang up one of the more experienced Refs from the local RA after the game and he really reassured me, so hopefully posting your experience will also help you when some of the very knowledgable and experienced Refs on here chime in with their views. All the best.

 

[Big Cat]

'm just trying to focus on what I could've done better during the game and then moving on

That's the only attitude we can have imo

Easy option would've been to book the player

Despite the RC protestations, you can bet your life someone would have held the YC against you if you'd fallen for taking that path. In which case, you've left yourself without a leg to stand on. You absolutely did the right thing

 

[SW20]

That's the only attitude we can have imo

Despite the RC protestations, you can bet your life someone would have held the YC against you if you'd fallen for taking that path. In which case, you've left yourself without a leg to stand on. You absolutely did the right thing

Oh absolutely mate but you know what some coaches are like, especially at youth level. They expect you to bend the laws on account of the players being 15/16 year old rather than fully grown adults. I try to take my refereeing seriously, regardless of what age/league I'm doing. That means I've got to try and apply the LOTG properly too. I may get things wrong but it will never be for the lack of trying or wilfully ignoring things.

Anyway, I've got my first assessment tomorrow, if the game is on with how the weather is. Looking forward to getting some feedback regardless and learning where and how I can improve. Got to try and put today's game out of the mind which I think I've managed to do now. Well, until I have to write the misconduct report and put the cards in tomorrow/Monday!

 

[Trip]

I stopped doing youth games because of the coaches.

At the end of my first year I thought I'd try a couple of adult (OA) games just to see what it was like. I'd assumed that it was more challenging that the kids games. In some senses it is more challenging but in terms of the way I was treated it was much, much better. I've been doing OA for eight years now and really enjoy it.

Before you throw in the towel, try a couple of OA games.

 

[Eddie]

Sorry to hear that @Kev the ref. Had a bad one myself the beginning of last season (my first full season) and couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so deflated. Luckily I had the support within my league and indeed this forum.

As unpleasant as it was at the time I definitely feel stronger for it now. I made a note of the areas I could’ve done better in, not the player/line feedback, my own self-assessment and made sure I applied those lessons from that point on. It’s no doubt made me a better referee.

Sometimes you’ve got to remember that the referee is just the whipping boy in the eyes of some of these idiots and shrug it off as such. It’s something that doesn’t sit well with me when I watch top tier referees...almost every decision is met with dissent or protest, it’s embedded in the game- unfortunately. So ultimately the players and coaches at amateur level follow suit, no doubt because they think it’ll buy them favour with decisions down the line.

The thing is they won’t give it a second thought once they’re back home, whereas it eats away at some of us for days or until the next game.

What I’ve learnt is, you’re always going to have these games and it’s not down to you or your performance. Sometimes you just can’t win.

My game this afternoon was full of negative reactions to my decisions, from one line in particular which I had to warn at HT. You’d swear I got everything wrong. Come FT they were full of compliments and my observer was very happy with my performance. Conclusion- they’ll scream and moan every week whether you have a good game or not.

As a few others have touched on, have you considered open age? I don’t do junior football anymore because of the behaviour of the lines at that level. They seem to have an unfounded sense of entitlement I’ve rarely experienced with OA. Most OA lines are no bother at all and players can be managed at an adult level. Not saying it’s all plane sailing mind!

I’ve been where you are now, mate. My advice is get a game in as soon as possible and forget about this one. Apply any lessons learnt going forward and use it to your advantage. Majority of the morons gobbing off on lines would be rabbits in the headlights in a referees position. Disregard their opinions.

 

[Jtpetherick1]

In education I have always been told 'don't make a big decision at the end of term'. Don't make a decision on a bad day either. Put your cautions in, wash your kit, do whatever you would after a game and the sit down on Monday with a brew and make your decision

 

[BrumRef]

@Kev the ref hi Kev, you can see my post from a couple of weeks ago after I was quite shaken after an incident I had in a game in this group labelled Friendlies, in all honesty it put me off refereeing for a little bit and I started rejecting games I’d always have done before - my parents threatened to pull me out of refereeing because of this incident (can’t say anything as it’s still being investigated) and I didn’t do any games for a month. Personally, I found watching a few games and running the line gave me the opportunity to make me realise why I first reffed - because I love the game. I’m sure you are a great ref and would be a loss to football and hope a break and some easing back into it would help but as @Degnann said if you feel the need vent on here or to a friend and if not already join your local RA and ask for some support as I found them to be great. Refereeing is in main a thankless job and is the majority of the time when a problem caused by an adult, often a dad living their dreams in their children and when it doesn’t go to plan their natural reaction is to blame the ref. As mentioned before the large majority of managers will greatly appreciate you and what you do and sometimes it feels like you are doing everything wrong because of the atmosphere of a game but don’t let a couple of idiots that just go out on a Saturday to ruin someone’s day or frankly bully someone

 

[Justylove]

7 years ago I did my basic refs course. On that course one of the tutors said something that stuck with me, which was “Every referee has games where they come home afterwards, throw their kit into the corner and think ‘Why the f**k do I bother with this s**t’”?

I’ve had a few over the years and I’ve always found a couple of days distance from the game I’ve been able to be more objective and think about what I could have done better to avoid situations. However, sometimes, the reality is no matter what you did, how you handled the game the way that players/coaches/parents act is out of your control.

My advice, take a few days, maybe think about asking to do a game in a different league and get some perspective.

Ultimately, if deep down you know you are not enjoying it, you have to know when you need to cut your losses, but, don’t do it off the back of a nasty game.

 

[santa sangria]

HI @Kev the ref
My one regret in life was giving up refereeing after a bad couple of weeks.
Take a couple of weeks off before sending. While you only officiate juniors, I know that the coaches and parents can be worse than adults.
Most coaches want referees or they have to do it themselves. For the few idiots, who try and ruin your game, treat them with equal contempt.

For the who wants to discuss the offside - stop the match when he team is attacking, walk over to him and ask him onto the FOP. Tell him about his actions are unacceptable, yellow card him and award the IDFK against his team. He will properly react further, so RC and tell him to leave the area. There is nothing worse for these idiots than to lose the discussion....

Other referees and coaches will support you dealing with the idiots.

...and you’ll probably get applauded by parents and smiles from the kids.

The times I have had to discipline or eject youth coaches, it has been pretty obvious that the coach is a much bigger nightmare for the team than for me.

 

[markref]

Hi Kev, I hope you gave it time to make a decision rather than throwing the towel in straight after a "bad" game - it's unlikely that even if you did have a bad game that you made any more mistakes than anyone else on the pitch. As others have said, we've all been through that. I don't know how many times I've come home and told my wife I wasn't doing it again. 25 years later I'm still spoiling games!

I had two mass cons and a major disagreement yesterday - two teams who really don't like each other. Five players off and a lot of cautions. Could have been at least three more off but I lost sight of who did what because there was so much going on and I was on my own. I dealt with what I saw and didn't worry about what I missed, because I couldn't do anything about it. That's what you have to do. When you are getting lots of dissent and you feel like shrinking into your shell, that's the time to get bigger. Blow the whistle louder. Use your voice more. Bigger arm movements. Lots of talking to players, and if the coach gets aggy then I'd be telling him "If you want to talk about it we'll do it after the game. If I hear you again I'll be coming over and it will cost the club money!"

It does get easier, and you will get to the point where when things happen you know how to deal with them. Sometimes there will be something that you have not come across before, but most of the time we get the same things again and again with slight variations. Next time you'll know how to deal with him. As Lincs22 said, if he wants to discuss the offside then stop it when his team are attacking and make sure you do the talking. Then it's an IDFK to the other team. Set him up for a fall by using the Laws against him - you can send him off when he goes too far. He's probably the type who enjoys pushing kids around in his team and does the same to the referee. His team will be a nightmare if someone doesn't deal with him.

A few years ago I'd have been horrified about my game yesterday and would have considered giving up. Now if I'm honest I enjoyed it - there was certainly plenty of adrenaline. It helped that while it was going on that I was getting grief but at the end all players came up to shake my hand, including the ones who didn't finish the game.

I hope you keep at it. If you enjoy it you shouldn't be pushed out by an idiot like this. Good luck

 

[PinnerPaul]

Another option might be to try the AR route - you might enjoy it more than the middle and/or get your appetite back for the middles.

Plenty of decent games available as AR for level 7s - I do mostly lines and thoroughly enjoy it - most of the time!

 

[one]

At some stage in our career we all develop a thick skin or learn how to manage them. Not in terms of wearing the sh!t they throw at us but in terms of sh!t happens in the game, you either deal with it correctly or you don't. If you do you have done what is required of you, if not you learn from it. The thick skin part has to do with moving on from it and not letting it mentally impact you. Easier said than done, and that's why if you are finding it difficult to move on you need a short break.

I am at a stage that nothing from players or coaches phases me. Worse cases may stay in my head for a day but then I move on. However when it comes from the league organisers or the support is not there from the authorities, its a different matter. A couple of years ago I refereed a game (albeit fustsal this one) where I had to send two players off. The next day someone brought a post in the league's facebook page to my attention. It was from leagues FB admin that the referee ruined the game bla bla. I showed this to my appointments secretary and he said he will deal with it. A week later the post was still there. I email the appointments secretary and said I had enough and was taking an indefinite break. That got the message through. The post was deleted the next day and i received a call form the league boss apologising for the post and they have reprimanded the poster. That came a bit too late for me to get back straight into it. I had a 4 month break and started again the following season.

For a similar reason I have moved on from the previous association i was refereeing grassroots football in for about 15 years. I am in a new association this year. That was not due to any specific incident but the constant mismanagement of how referees were supported.