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Having thick skin

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shrews1886

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Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. I'd be really interested to hear people's views on the need to be thick-skinned as a referee, and where/how to draw the line between that and taking abuse.

Just by way of background, I have recently started doing some work as linesman for my local Sunday league team. I did this because I got an injury pre-season that isn't going away, and I really want to stay involved with the club.

I am really enjoying getting to know a completely different side to the game, and am interested in taking up some referee training courses in future. But I have some lingering doubts about whether I am strong enough. In every game I do I try to get in the right position and make what I feel is the right decision every time. But I'm learning and inevitably I make mistakes. Every game I get called incompetent (with an assortment of swear words attached) by my own team's supporters, and a cheat (with some some even tastier swear words attached) by the other team's supporters. I find this really crushing, and I leave so many games feeling utterly useless.

To illustrate all this better, I want to give a concrete, convoluted example, Today I made a marginal call which upset the other team's fans standing behind me. I was running just behind the offside line, but saw where the attacking player was positioned, and sensed that his head was likely offside, so I flagged it. The fans behind started screaming at me, getting up close to me, saying they were right there and knew it wasn't offside. I answered back at them, saying 'his head was offside' (which I probably shouldn't have done - I just got defensive). They then got even louder, and moments later there was another marginal call which I flagged – this time it was with 100% certainty as I was in a great position. The crowd got louder, insisting I give them the flag. The ref saw all this, and spoke to their manager. A few moments later one of their fans said to me 'just take no notice of them mate'. Then I heard someone behind me say 'no, he f****** deserves it, making decisions like that'. This upset me, because in my mind he was a complete stranger and was saying I deserved all the abuse I got. I decided not to gesture to the ref and tell him what he had said. If I had done that I am confident the ref would have asked the supporter to leave – it was seconds after their supporters had been given a warning. But I didn't want to be heavy-handed, so I just said 'watch it' (I regret the choice of words – I didn't mean for it to sound threatening – I simply wanted to get the point across that he was on a final final warning and that if he continued I would have no choice but to call the ref over). He reacted angrily, saying 'you should watch who you're talking to, don't ever talk to me like that again.' This whole incident left a really nasty taste on the game from my perspective.

I realise that emotions run high during a football match, and that people are genuinely frustrated when they think the line judge has made a mistake – after all, a line judge's decision has the potential to decide results. So I understand that this abuse isn't intended personal insult. But I just have massive confidence issues, and can't help but take it personally.

So, how do you gain thick skin as a referee? Is it something you just have, or is it something you've learned the hard way? What measures have you taken to improve in this regard? At the same time, how do you make sure you balance having thick skin with calling out abuse when necessary? Looking at my example I gave, what would people have done differently?

Thanks in advance!
 
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The Referee Store
For me, in short.

You will get abuse. You have to learn to ignore a lot of it and have selective hearing. Anything that gets out of hand though, use a talking to from the ref, your cards or get the referee to use theirs. Remember it's not personal. It's the black kit people see.

Anyone calls you a cheat, they're off. No ifs or buts. Be strong, be confident, stick to your decision and your gut unless you know you've royally fudged up and play hasn't restarted.

Try not to guess decisions though, if you're not in a great position, don't give the decision. Apologise if needed when you can.

It comes with time and experience, back to the start, it's not personal, it's just the kit they see.

It's usually smiles and handshakes after the game even if you think you've been rubbish or had some stick during the game.
 
In many ways, being on the line is harder than being in the middle (even as a neutral AR)--you're much closer to the fans with nothing better to do than whine, and you don't have the direct authority to taken action, as it is the R who has that authority. That said, in either role there is inappropriate behavior by some knuckleheads. I think it helps to remember that they aren't really yelling at you (the person), they are yelling at the R or AR because they think it is OK.
 
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To be honest, most are ok but you tend to focus on the ones who aren’t. Try not to engage with them, because if you do they know they’re getting to you. Most of the time it’s not personal - although it seems like it - it’s designed to put you off so you don’t flag against their team next time so you don’t get any more grief.

The other thing is that players tend to assume they’re always right and you’re always wrong. I had a Saturday afternoon off years ago so went to watch some mates playing and ended up running the line because no one else wanted to. The other team’s centre forward was hopeless at the offside- he was really slow so was always 5 yards offside - but moaned every time I flagged. He wasn’t even close but was convinced I was cheating, getting one of his team to stand behind me to check. After two flags his team mate gave up and went back to his team!

After a while you won’t hear the crowd because you focus on the game. As you get better you’ll read the game more and get better positions for offsides. I wouldn’t guess about offside - only flag it if you’re sure. As a CAR if you’re wrong you leave yourself open to accusations of cheating, which can mean the referee doubts you and then over-rules when you’re right.

We all get grief but you get used to not hearing it. If you ignore them it can really annoy them because they see they’re not getting to you. It’s definitely worth ignoring them if you can! That can spoil their game when they’re trying to spoil yours!
 
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Thick skin

Try Rhino Hide
To be fair it is something you develop as your experience improves
Over the years I've been an MO, I have come to learn which coaches I cam communicate with and which Coaches are best left alone
 
Let's be straight here, theres always going to be abuse in Sunday League. The first thing to do is accept that and accept that you cant stop it. Tou can lessen its regularity by being the best referee you can possibly be but you wont stop it. I got plenty of it yesterday following a red card and a penalty call + a couple of other key match incidents. An observer said I got them all right and I knew I had. But I got loads of abuse from the sidelines and the players regardless. The quality of both teams was poor and for me its hard to accept the dissent. When I first started reffing I'd tell players politely but firmly that I'd played at a higher standard than them when they moaned that I hadn't played the game etc. It just causes further friction so I don't do that now but its one example of how I've learned to (not) deal with dissent. The best advice I was given was to make each decision disappear after you've made it and dealt with the situation. That way it doesn't effect your next one. Just tell yourself that its disappeared once you blow to restart and clear your mind.

If you have confidence issues then maybe do some youth team games when you qualify to gain your confidence.
 
The thicker skin develops over time. The only way is to do more matches.
Being a CAR - I have every sympathy for you. While it gives you a glimpse of what decision-making is like, what you are missing is learning the craft, learning from others, working with other referees, getting trained, basically learning the skills and getting the experience that will help you deal with the unexpected.

Took me at least the first two years to be able to cope with players' basic whinging and idiocy. Some people cope with humour, some with acting, some with deportment, everyone has their techniques, their strengths, their weaknesses. One of the best things about learning is the self analysis. If you get into it, you will learn things about yourself ;) I never dreamed I would referee but 8 years and 700 matches later I love it.

All the advice above - never guess - amazing really as to the punters it looks like we're guessing - but we are not!

You've come this far. I hope you take the course, join your local RA and give it a go.
 
Thick skin never ever equals taking abuse. It means ability to stay calm, never take it personal and know when to take action, what action, and when to ignore.

Ignoring abuse only makes it escalate. On the other hand ignoring something that can be ignored can deescalate. This is not black and white. The line is different in every game and every situation. Experience helps a lot.

I always think, if I had a decent observer, what would they want me to do. In other words, ask the question, should a referee or AR ignore this. Never ask should I ignore this. It's like you are observing yourself.

It's very difficult as an AR/CAR especially in a game when a referee is having a hard time. You want to help them and not make it worse for them. But sometime you do what you have to do. They are there to do a job and this is part of it.

In your example, I'd have to be there, but it sounds like it was one of those you should have ignored at the start which likely would have not escalated, but once it got to the abuse stage you must involve the referee to get those spectators removed. No match official deserves to be abused.
 
You have pretty well laid out why I prefer being in the middle over on the line - in the middle you have control and the level of dissent you accept/clamp down on is entirely in your hands. As the AR, it's much harder to exert authority, and even if things do escalate to a point where you decide to get the referee involved, you never 100% know how they will respond.

For that reason, I would suggest that if you're considering doing the course, do it! What you're getting now is a taste of how it will work, but in a way that comes with a lot of caveats and restrictions. Only by doing the course and putting yourself in that position can you really work out if it's something you want to do.

And if you're still doing CAR lines in the meantime, take advantage of that learning experience, take advantage of your experience as a player but try to do it with a referees mindset. So think back to occasions when you've been frustrated with a decision as a player - what have referees done in the past that's wound you up even more and what have they done that's calmed you down a little. Adapt those experiences into a manner that suits you. But also think ahead to being a referee - set your levels for dissent and OFFINABUS and try to work out what you would be cautioning for and dismissing once you get in the middle with a whistle.
 
You voluntarily stepped up to be the regular CAR for your team?

Then don’t undersell yourself.

Being willing to do that starts you off in the right place. You’re already showing a mental toughness that will serve you well if you take the plunge properly. You’re strong enough already.
 
shrews1886 said:
Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. I'd be really interested to hear people's views on the need to be thick-skinned as a referee, and where/how to draw the line between that and taking abuse.

Just by way of background, I have recently started doing some work as linesman for my local Sunday league team. I did this because I got an injury pre-season that isn't going away, and I really want to stay involved with the club.

I am really enjoying getting to know a completely different side to the game, and am interested in taking up some referee training courses in future. But I have some lingering doubts about whether I am strong enough. In every game I do I try to get in the right position and make what I feel is the right decision every time. But I'm learning and inevitably I make mistakes. Every game I get called incompetent (with an assortment of swear words attached) by my own team's supporters, and a cheat (with some some even tastier swear words attached) by the other team's supporters. I find this really crushing, and I leave so many games feeling utterly useless.

To illustrate all this better, I want to give a concrete, convoluted example, Today I made a marginal call which upset the other team's fans standing behind me. I was running just behind the offside line, but saw where the attacking player was positioned, and sensed that his head was likely offside, so I flagged it. The fans behind started screaming at me, getting up close to me, saying they were right there and knew it wasn't offside. I answered back at them, saying 'his head was offside' (which I probably shouldn't have done - I just got defensive). They then got even louder, and moments later there was another marginal call which I flagged – this time it was with 100% certainty as I was in a great position. The crowd got louder, insisting I give them the flag. The ref saw all this, and spoke to their manager. A few moments later one of their fans said to me 'just take no notice of them mate'. Then I heard someone behind me say 'no, he f****** deserves it, making decisions like that'. This upset me, because in my mind he was a complete stranger and was saying I deserved all the abuse I got. I decided not to gesture to the ref and tell him what he had said. If I had done that I am confident the ref would have asked the supporter to leave – it was seconds after their supporters had been given a warning. But I didn't want to be heavy-handed, so I just said 'watch it' (I regret the choice of words – I didn't mean for it to sound threatening – I simply wanted to get the point across that he was on a final final warning and that if he continued I would have no choice but to call the ref over). He reacted angrily, saying 'you should watch who you're talking to, don't ever talk to me like that again.' This whole incident left a really nasty taste on the game from my perspective.

I realise that emotions run high during a football match, and that people are genuinely frustrated when they think the line judge has made a mistake – after all, a line judge's decision has the potential to decide results. So I understand that this abuse isn't intended personal insult. But I just have massive confidence issues, and can't help but take it personally.

So, how do you gain thick skin as a referee? Is it something you just have, or is it something you've learned the hard way? What measures have you taken to improve in this regard? At the same time, how do you make sure you balance having thick skin with calling out abuse when necessary? Looking at my example I gave, what would people have done differently?

Thanks in advance!
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Your only pitfall here is the injury.
As a referee you'll run much farther than most Sunday league players, and many at supply league too.
The only thing you won't have is the impact, but you still need to be in reasonable physical Condition..
So your dilemma here is playing, or reffing or both. But the injury problem will still need to be managed all the same.

Good on. You for stepping up. You have to learn to ignore spectators.. They all know better than you and everyone has an opinion, and all to willing to share it.

The higher up you go, the more you have to deal with it. It turns from. 10s of old farts, to hundreds and it's the same rubbish they spout every week.
 
JamesL said:
Your only pitfall here is the injury.
As a referee you'll run much farther than most Sunday league players, and many at supply league too.
The only thing you won't have is the impact, but you still need to be in reasonable physical Condition..
So your dilemma here is playing, or reffing or both. But the injury problem will still need to be managed all the same.

Good on. You for stepping up. You have to learn to ignore spectators.. They all know better than you and everyone has an opinion, and all to willing to share it.

The higher up you go, the more you have to deal with it. It turns from. 10s of old farts, to hundreds and it's the same rubbish they spout every week.
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Far more strenuous to play football than it is to referee however, despite the latter running a lot further. Otherwise, I'd still be playing
 
shrews1886 said:
Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. I'd be really interested to hear people's views on the need to be thick-skinned as a referee, and where/how to draw the line between that and taking abuse.

Just by way of background, I have recently started doing some work as linesman for my local Sunday league team. I did this because I got an injury pre-season that isn't going away, and I really want to stay involved with the club.

I am really enjoying getting to know a completely different side to the game, and am interested in taking up some referee training courses in future. But I have some lingering doubts about whether I am strong enough. In every game I do I try to get in the right position and make what I feel is the right decision every time. But I'm learning and inevitably I make mistakes. Every game I get called incompetent (with an assortment of swear words attached) by my own team's supporters, and a cheat (with some some even tastier swear words attached) by the other team's supporters. I find this really crushing, and I leave so many games feeling utterly useless.

To illustrate all this better, I want to give a concrete, convoluted example, Today I made a marginal call which upset the other team's fans standing behind me. I was running just behind the offside line, but saw where the attacking player was positioned, and sensed that his head was likely offside, so I flagged it. The fans behind started screaming at me, getting up close to me, saying they were right there and knew it wasn't offside. I answered back at them, saying 'his head was offside' (which I probably shouldn't have done - I just got defensive). They then got even louder, and moments later there was another marginal call which I flagged – this time it was with 100% certainty as I was in a great position. The crowd got louder, insisting I give them the flag. The ref saw all this, and spoke to their manager. A few moments later one of their fans said to me 'just take no notice of them mate'. Then I heard someone behind me say 'no, he f****** deserves it, making decisions like that'. This upset me, because in my mind he was a complete stranger and was saying I deserved all the abuse I got. I decided not to gesture to the ref and tell him what he had said. If I had done that I am confident the ref would have asked the supporter to leave – it was seconds after their supporters had been given a warning. But I didn't want to be heavy-handed, so I just said 'watch it' (I regret the choice of words – I didn't mean for it to sound threatening – I simply wanted to get the point across that he was on a final final warning and that if he continued I would have no choice but to call the ref over). He reacted angrily, saying 'you should watch who you're talking to, don't ever talk to me like that again.' This whole incident left a really nasty taste on the game from my perspective.

I realise that emotions run high during a football match, and that people are genuinely frustrated when they think the line judge has made a mistake – after all, a line judge's decision has the potential to decide results. So I understand that this abuse isn't intended personal insult. But I just have massive confidence issues, and can't help but take it personally.

So, how do you gain thick skin as a referee? Is it something you just have, or is it something you've learned the hard way? What measures have you taken to improve in this regard? At the same time, how do you make sure you balance having thick skin with calling out abuse when necessary? Looking at my example I gave, what would people have done differently?

Thanks in advance!
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It's different once you're qualified. You'll learn when to respond/intervene
However, understand that no individual can change the culture of football. So unfair behaviour is par for the course and sometimes (not very often), it can get a bit nasty. I view this as a 'character building challenge'. Some sort of healthy relationship with being 'shouted at', is a core refereeing prerequisite

So not so much as thick skin IMO, more an acceptance/understanding of what refereeing entails
 
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Big Cat said:
Far more strenuous to play football than it is to referee however, despite the latter running a lot further. Otherwise, I'd still be playing
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Yep, agree with that, I ache something rotten after playing - that's what I meant lower impact. Just kicking the ball etc takes a greater toll on the old muscles and joints.
My point mainly was that I'd be looking to clear up any injuries beforehand. An injury that stops you playing, is likely to be enough to stop you reffing I'd of thought, save for recurrent impact injuries.
 
Did my meniscus 14 years ago playing. I had a decent surgent (knee specialist who worked with a lot of pro athletes). He said at best I can get 10 more years plying out of it. I played one more year after that and went on to do refereeing only (I played and refed in between before it). Still going strong just reffing. Only the occasional ache if I do more than 3 centers in one weekend or if the surface is poor (3G or dry grounds).
 
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