Yesterdays game

So yesterday (my 7th game) was easily my worst so far and just wanted to do a big splurge on here to you lot !

U16 girls.

So we had 4 nine year olds over to sleep night before game for my sons birthday so preperation as you can imagine was far from ideal but not here to make excuses.

It was also team from Exeter V team from Plymouth which I hadn't really mentally logged so that's my bad , definitely needle.

Firstly one of the away players asked me to take a look at the ball just afew minutes in and said it felt like it was from poundland. I did and I could see what she meant (atleast at the time) this was a new one for me buy my instincts took me to asking for a new ball , which was provided. Before restart home manager shouted "nothing wrong with this ref , if I blow it up any more it will explode . You're just catering to their needs". I didn't take much notice and just thought, and said , let's get on with the game.

Incident first half. Ball played through one on one , (home team) keeper coming out . All my focus on whether a foul was incoming. Then realised another attacker (probably with more pace) had run from deep aswell and then became messy with a collision of 3 players. I didn't see enough for a foul and ball came out to player who tapped in. If I'm completely honest u just don't feel I had full control of that decision, the other player getting involved threw me and whilst I may have been correct , I wasn't happy with myself (also had stopped my sorta commentating on game as I do) just not on it.

Same manager shouting that has to be a foul ref etc. Not overly aggressive . One that sort of arrogantly laughs. I went over and explained I hadn't seen enough as it was just a mess of a play where 3 players entered at the same time . No foul.

2nd half begins - home winger had felt she had been kicked all game - happy with my decisions, just one that almost didn't like the physical battles for the ball. But either way every time she got on the ball I sprinted that little more to make sure I was on it. So this is the bit that I'm just so annoyed at myself for - she gets clearly clipped which I've seen . Stays on her feet and has a cross blocked literally like 2 seconds later. It's like my hand was locked and I didn't bring it back for the foul. Poor decision. Think I've almost over analysed the advantage rule this past week with focus on understanding not bringing back if they've had an actual advantage . No idea. No excuse. Poor.

Didn't help that a few mins later away team scored. Never does. Manager shouting at time of incident "how long advantage ref etc. At this point (probably going to be called very silly by some on here) I just wanted to acknowledge that I knew it was wrong. Approached manager after goal and apologised for error. He laughed and shook his head. Managed the rest of the game.

Oh also two occasions when Firstly a player said "are you gonna let her say that" when I was about 15 yards away. I responded that I hadn't heard anything. Same home manager laughed again minutes later and said something similar. I literally heard nothing either time. Wondering whether this may hold me back in the future as perhaps my focus is too sort of , tunnel vision and I should have heard these comments.

Comments after game that I must have been drunk . Heard a player say what's he getting paid for etc. I'm 35 and feel like I'm big enough to move on but wasn't a nice feeling. Also I know I need to work on the balance of being open but not so keen to involve myself in conversations so much or even instigate them.

Any feedback would be great. Thanks guys

We've all been there mate try not to dwell too much on it and focus on your next game. It's good that you're reflecting but try to remember that player comments usually don't actually reflect how good your game was. It sounds to me like you had a few small mistakes that were timed unluckily, doesn't make it a howler of a game.
I wouldn't acknowledge a mistake to a manager mid game, maybe afterwards if you felt it was necessary but that's just my opinion.
Most games I get a player saying he said that or she called me this, you're not a babysitter, if you hear it and it's OFFINABUS give it, if not don't sweat it, it's football they're going to call each other names and much worse.
Look to your next game, I'm sure you'll smash it!

JoetheRef said:

We've all been there mate try not to dwell too much on it and focus on your next game. It's good that you're reflecting but try to remember that player comments usually don't actually reflect how good your game was. It sounds to me like you had a few small mistakes that were timed unluckily, doesn't make it a howler of a game.
I wouldn't acknowledge a mistake to a manager mid game, maybe afterwards if you felt it was necessary but that's just my opinion.
Most games I get a player saying he said that or she called me this, you're not a babysitter, if you hear it and it's OFFINABUS give it, if not don't sweat it, it's football they're going to call each other names and much worse.
Look to your next game, I'm sure you'll smash it!

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Thanks Joe - appreciate that

It all sounds fine. You are definitely overthinking a lot, and the thicker skin will come with time. Remember, you're only 7 games in!

The ball situation. Manager is just having a go. They do that 99% of the time. If you want to have more control buy a pump with a gauge, ask for 2 or 3 balls before kick off. Pump them up yourself then give them to the home manager (keep one for kick-off).

Players just appearing happens all the time. With time, you will be able to scan more, as your brain will recognise if something weird is happening. But right now as you are starting out, everything is weird hahaa

Players will play to being kicked up and down the park. They love a sympathy card. Same with when players shout "how many ref". They will literally start shouting that after one. Don't buy into it. Call fouls when you see them. One of my favourite things is to publicly rebuke the moaner. If you have a player moaning about being "fouled" all game. Wait for them to moan about being fouled when they weren't in fact fouled and have a public word with them, where you essential tell them that what happened was never a foul and how can you take them seriously, when they are moaning about that said incident. I like to use it on a handball, as if they really start going on about a non-decision handball, I sort of explain the handball rule to them and ask them if they genuinely believe that was handball. Just kills the dissent momentum for games that are becoming less about football and more about moaning.

On to the advantage. It sounds like you let the player try the cross, so advantage played? Now bringing it back, might have been interpreted as two bites at the cherry which is a no-no. For example, at the weekend, player gets fouled, I shout advantage (very loudly and signal very clearly), so the player immediately tries a K. De Bruyne outside of the boot through ball, for their striker. That goes straight out for a goal kick. Then all the players start preparing for their FK. To which I inform them they don't get the through ball attempt and the FK. Again, you need to be concise, confident and firm. Most players will accept it knowing full well you know your stuff and you are not budging.

Telling the manager you made a mistake. Don't do it. Especially before fulltime. They will just use it to mess with you. It will kill your match control as one team will feel you owe them one and you might feel the same too.

Dissent. Don't go looking for dissent. If you don't hear it. It didn't happen. Also 90% of the time, the opposition will say "are you going to let them say that to you" for anything, I swear a player asked me how long is left, and an opposition player said it.

Good luck. Don't dwell.

Don't worry too much about it- nothing all that serious in there, just technical bits you are learning from. As you do more games you will be able to better anticipate what to do in certain situations and will be far less likely to 'freeze' like you did for the non-advantage when it can feel like you've missed the moment to bring it back. It can be useful to keep in mind that an overly delayed decision is better than missing the decision altogether so don't worry about it looking slightly messy if coming in late after having some thinking time, especially while you are a new ref. Have you had a mentor come to watch you or can you ask for one from your county FA?

The ball: was it the same ball that you started with? I would have been inclined to continue with it. Unless the condition of the ball has changed since kick off. Good advice from @OldNavyRef get a guage and check them ore kick off.

It will come with experience. Pick your moments to go over and speak to managers. There is a time and a place for clarifications and it's not normally in the immediate aftermath of a contentious decision.

I do disagree that we shouldn't admit to mistakes. Sometimes, and I do mean sometimes it's okay to say, look I think I might have got that one wrong. It is to be used sparingly, but used at the right time can be very disarming and win over a few.

Ultimately, you haven't written anything here that 99% of us felt in our first few games. Keep going with the self reflection, it will continually make you a better referee

I'm about 100 games in and still reflect on mistakes or things I'd have done differently, so really don't sweat on it too much @Gio and the fact that you are reflecting it, and on here, is nothing but a good thing (as an L7 40yo plus ref in season three this place is a God-send).

Re mistakes you know you've made almost as soon as you've done it, it's a horrible feeling but I'd concur with others that admitting it in the moment doesn't help at all particularly when it relates to a key incident or leads to a goal - it doesn't come naturally to me but you're better off "styling it out" confidently. Had an incident the other week when Team A was attacking down the left hand side and lining up to put a cross in and I blew for offside, as I could have sworn I'd seen the CAR put the flag up. I looked back across after the whistle and no sign of a flag! I just confidently said it was offside when the usual "but he hasn't flagged" comments came up and everyone got on with the game. After FT I explained (rather than apologised for) what happened to their coaches and they were good as gold.

When an advantage has been played and they haven't capitalised on it, I might privately kick myself but find that a quiet, on-the-go explanation to the effected player does the job ("I played advantage and can't give you two bits of the cherry") can quickly diffuse any frustration, and delaying the whistle for a couple of seconds is something that will come naturally in time (eg a player rides a careless tackle or stays on their feet but then is immediately dispossessed). There's still little better feeling as a ref than playing an advantage that leads to a goal but in my early days I lost track of how quick I was to whistle!

OldNavyRef said:

It all sounds fine. You are definitely overthinking a lot, and the thicker skin will come with time. Remember, you're only 7 games in!

The ball situation. Manager is just having a go. They do that 99% of the time. If you want to have more control buy a pump with a gauge, ask for 2 or 3 balls before kick off. Pump them up yourself then give them to the home manager (keep one for kick-off).

Players just appearing happens all the time. With time, you will be able to scan more, as your brain will recognise if something weird is happening. But right now as you are starting out, everything is weird hahaa

Players will play to being kicked up and down the park. They love a sympathy card. Same with when players shout "how many ref". They will literally start shouting that after one. Don't buy into it. Call fouls when you see them. One of my favourite things is to publicly rebuke the moaner. If you have a player moaning about being "fouled" all game. Wait for them to moan about being fouled when they weren't in fact fouled and have a public word with them, where you essential tell them that what happened was never a foul and how can you take them seriously, when they are moaning about that said incident. I like to use it on a handball, as if they really start going on about a non-decision handball, I sort of explain the handball rule to them and ask them if they genuinely believe that was handball. Just kills the dissent momentum for games that are becoming less about football and more about moaning.

On to the advantage. It sounds like you let the player try the cross, so advantage played? Now bringing it back, might have been interpreted as two bites at the cherry which is a no-no. For example, at the weekend, player gets fouled, I shout advantage (very loudly and signal very clearly), so the player immediately tries a K. De Bruyne outside of the boot through ball, for their striker. That goes straight out for a goal kick. Then all the players start preparing for their FK. To which I inform them they don't get the through ball attempt and the FK. Again, you need to be concise, confident and firm. Most players will accept it knowing full well you know your stuff and you are not budging.

Telling the manager you made a mistake. Don't do it. Especially before fulltime. They will just use it to mess with you. It will kill your match control as one team will feel you owe them one and you might feel the same too.

Dissent. Don't go looking for dissent. If you don't hear it. It didn't happen. Also 90% of the time, the opposition will say "are you going to let them say that to you" for anything, I swear a player asked me how long is left, and an opposition player said it.

Good luck. Don't dwell.

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Thank you ! All super helpful

CaptainsPlease said:

Don't worry too much about it- nothing all that serious in there, just technical bits you are learning from. As you do more games you will be able to better anticipate what to do in certain situations and will be far less likely to 'freeze' like you did for the non-advantage when it can feel like you've missed the moment to bring it back. It can be useful to keep in mind that an overly delayed decision is better than missing the decision altogether so don't worry about it looking slightly messy if coming in late after having some thinking time, especially while you are a new ref. Have you had a mentor come to watch you or can you ask for one from your county FA?

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Thanks alot .

Awaiting a Mentor after swapping a couple of emails with county FA last week. Will chase up if I've heard nothing soon.

JamesL said:

The ball: was it the same ball that you started with? I would have been inclined to continue with it. Unless the condition of the ball has changed since kick off. Good advice from @OldNavyRef get a guage and check them ore kick off.

It will come with experience. Pick your moments to go over and speak to managers. There is a time and a place for clarifications and it's not normally in the immediate aftermath of a contentious decision.

I do disagree that we shouldn't admit to mistakes. Sometimes, and I do mean sometimes it's okay to say, look I think I might have got that one wrong. It is to be used sparingly, but used at the right time can be very disarming and win over a few.

Ultimately, you haven't written anything here that 99% of us felt in our first few games. Keep going with the self reflection, it will continually make you a better referee

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It was the same ball. And yeah in hindsight I just think cracking on would have been the best decision .

Thank you!

The Gump said:

I'm about 100 games in and still reflect on mistakes or things I'd have done differently, so really don't sweat on it too much @Gio and the fact that you are reflecting it, and on here, is nothing but a good thing (as an L7 40yo plus ref in season three this place is a God-send).

Re mistakes you know you've made almost as soon as you've done it, it's a horrible feeling but I'd concur with others that admitting it in the moment doesn't help at all particularly when it relates to a key incident or leads to a goal - it doesn't come naturally to me but you're better off "styling it out" confidently. Had an incident the other week when Team A was attacking down the left hand side and lining up to put a cross in and I blew for offside, as I could have sworn I'd seen the CAR put the flag up. I looked back across after the whistle and no sign of a flag! I just confidently said it was offside when the usual "but he hasn't flagged" comments came up and everyone got on with the game. After FT I explained (rather than apologised for) what happened to their coaches and they were good as gold.

When an advantage has been played and they haven't capitalised on it, I might privately kick myself but find that a quiet, on-the-go explanation to the effected player does the job ("I played advantage and can't give you two bits of the cherry") can quickly diffuse any frustration, and delaying the whistle for a couple of seconds is something that will come naturally in time (eg a player rides a careless tackle or stays on their feet but then is immediately dispossessed). There's still little better feeling as a ref than playing an advantage that leads to a goal but in my early days I lost track of how quick I was to whistle!

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Thanks - will take all that on board

I think you're doing the right thing by reflecting, but make sure you keep an eye on the big picture too as well as dwelling on the details. You are only a few games in and we're all still learning game by game!

You've also had some really good advice in this thread (IMHO!). On this one in particular:

OldNavyRef said:

Players will play to being kicked up and down the park. They love a sympathy card. Same with when players shout "how many ref". They will literally start shouting that after one. Don't buy into it. Call fouls when you see them. One of my favourite things is to publicly rebuke the moaner. If you have a player moaning about being "fouled" all game. Wait for them to moan about being fouled when they weren't in fact fouled and have a public word with them, where you essential tell them that what happened was never a foul and how can you take them seriously, when they are moaning about that said incident. I like to use it on a handball, as if they really start going on about a non-decision handball, I sort of explain the handball rule to them and ask them if they genuinely believe that was handball. Just kills the dissent momentum for games that are becoming less about football and more about moaning.

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Remember you are in control of the match (even if it doesn't always feel like it!). You will find that you can slow things down and take the heat out of situations if you incorporate this kind of thing into your game - just be mindful of doing it when it might help you and your match control.

After a few seasons you will have heard all the usual moans and groans so many times it just becomes background noise. You won't even think about it.

Personally if the players want the ball changed then I'll have it changed. They're the ones playing with it. Pretty rare to have a manager moan about that but ultimately it's not a big deal in any way.

I've actually started playing again (at the age of 40). Vets & OA football. I was never one for shouting at refs, but I would tell them politely when I thought I had been wronged. It's actually been interesting to look at myself as I found myself getting frustrated at a referee who I believe should've stopped the game for a head injury in my last game(he didn't and it lead to a goal). I actually thought he had an excellent game and managed a very close game fantastically and I told him so afterwards (we lost 3-2 to a late winner). But it made me realise that he was probably thinking about my comment throughout the game as I'm a more senior referee & that could have a negative effect on him, yet I was actually thinking how well he'd done throughout the game. It does show that we often focus on little comments and whinges about individual incidents, but they're not a reflection of how people think you refereed the entire game. It just feels like it. It also goes to show that I should've kept my mouth shut

I've just done my 6th game and if you look on here, you will see my story of much the same thing. With media everywhere, referees are under so much scrutiny and with that comes pressure. Trouble is that sinks right down to grassroots and everyone is expecting a finished article who is fit and knowledgeable in the middle of the park on a wet Sunday morning at 10am... Maybe it is them who need to be realistic?
For some reason, enjoyment of the game is sucked right out of kids as they move on through the seasons, you can see it if you compare games. It isn't normal teenage moans, but learnt from mouthy coaches who want you to explain every decision. In my short time as a ref I have heard only one coach say "He's given the decision, just get on with dealing with our game", that was music to my ears, instead of the constant "Howzatno..." drudge that I am only just learning to go in one ear and not stop it from going out the other.

I think there has to be a belief system learned more than anything, and that belief is that you are in charge of the game, despite what the coaches or players say, it is your decisions they are paying for, and yes you might guess at some points, but they are educated guesses and in the end they must accept those. There is no alternative. You're never going to be 100% right with anyone else, but you can be at least 51% in your own head and when that grows your confidence will too.

Wishing you well.

The very best thing about refereeing, is the degree of difficulty. Indeed, it's impossible. Don't ever wish for it to be anything else, otherwise why do it?

Gio said:

It's like my hand was locked

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Quite a curious feeling that! Once you've delayed the whistle, it can in certain circumstances, get harder and harder to subsequently stop play. I once saw a GK clearly fouled when a goal was scored but for reasons I can't explain, I didn't blow the whistle. I did however, run to the neutral AR without breaking stride or any delay whatsoever, bounced off the AR's confirmation of the foul and disallowed the goal
Very strange incident but at least I quickly crafted 'an out' for myself

Aside from mentoring/coaching/observations, the only path to experience, is more experience. Just keep doing games until the point (which may never come) at which you don't want to do them any more

Big Cat said:

Quite a curious feeling that!

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I've had it a few times where I see a foul. No one appeals for it. So I just sort of don't blow.

It looked like a foul, it sounded like a foul, hell it even smelt like a foul. But sometimes I am just waiting for the fouled player/captain/teams designated moaner to be like "oi ref" before I blow. Not sure why, but if they don't shout, sometimes I just don't blow.

Bad habit.

OldNavyRef said:

I've had it a few times where I see a foul. No one appeals for it. So I just sort of don't blow.

It looked like a foul, it sounded like a foul, hell it even smelt like a foul. But sometimes I am just waiting for the fouled player/captain/teams designated moaner to be like "oi ref" before I blow. Not sure why, but if they don't shout, sometimes I just don't blow.

Bad habit.

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It isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes our eyes play tricks on us, we think we have seen nothing that just didn't happen, so freezing and not blowing the whistle can bail us out. If no one is complaining there's more than a very good chance that what we thought we saw didn't really happen.