True Story...

[Kes]

I shouted angrily at a couple of sparrows that were sitting on my garden fence the other day.

To my amazement, they both fell off and died.

I had no idea you could kill two birds with one’s tone ...

 

[santa sangria]

My daughter asked me: why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

I told her…

Ken came in a different box.

!!!!’

 

[one]

What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen?

Don't ask her on a date again.

 

[Peter Grove]

Don't worry if you can't spell it right, if you misspell armigeddon, it's not the end of the world.

 

[santa sangria]

@Big Cat whistles another corner

 

[Big Cat]

@Big Cat whistles another corner

View attachment 6807

I could go off you Santa

 

[one]

What's the opposite of ladyfingers? Mentos

 

[Kes]

Nelson was 5ft 6ins tall. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17ft 4ins high. That’s Horatio of 3:1.

 

[one]

Prior to recent history,

Even if anything recent can be history, isn't any before it just history?

 

[santa sangria]

https://imgur.com/EsEl39V

 

[Peter Grove]

Why can tiny French snails go faster than larger, foreign snails?

Less cargo.

 

[Peter Grove]

Optometrist: So, I have your eye test results here.

Me: Can I see them?

Optometrist: Probably not.

 

[one]

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic? Ian

 

[Kes]

This morning a skeletal hooded figure helped me scrape my windscreen...

It was only later I realised I'd been de-icing with Death!

 

[Kes]

Most people have heard of Karl Marx, but few it seems were aware of his sister Onya, who gained fame as an Olympic sprinter.

Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race ....

 

[one]

Good Onya

 

[santa sangria]

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession!

 

[Peter Grove]

I've been down to the betting shop and put £100 on Armageddon occurring some time this year.

If I lose my money it won't be the end of the world.

 

[Kes]

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend.

My neighbour is dead against it.

 

[Kes]

I once tried to remarry my ex wife, but she refused.

She figured out I was only after my money.