Ref4Me

‘Only asking a question’

Robert56

New Member
Level 6 Referee
Coach says to me we not playing offsides sarcastically and In a rude manner by walking on the pitch to which I respond yes we are and explain my reason for the offside decision. To which he responds “calm down I was only asking a question” so it’s ok for him to speak to me rudely but the second I raise my voice it’s wrong. Treat others how you expect to be treated
 
The Referee Store

OnlyUseMeWhistle

Member
Level 7 Referee
Coach says to me we not playing offsides sarcastically and In a rude manner by walking on the pitch to which I respond yes we are and explain my reason for the offside decision. To which he responds “calm down I was only asking a question” so it’s ok for him to speak to me rudely but the second I raise my voice it’s wrong. Treat others how you expect to be treated
A sub for a team I reffed on Sunday wouldn’t shut up and was on a yellow. After shouting “did you not see that one ref” I walked over and said he could either take the whistle and see how he likes it or keep quiet for the rest of the game before he walks.
 

socal lurker

RefChat Addict
A sub for a team I reffed on Sunday wouldn’t shut up and was on a yellow. After shouting “did you not see that one ref” I walked over and said he could either take the whistle and see how he likes it or keep quiet for the rest of the game before he walks.
And when he hold out his hand out for the whistle and says, "Great, I can sure as heck do better than you've been doing."?

Sometimes the cute comebacks work, but they can back fire.

Coach says to me we not playing offsides sarcastically and In a rude manner by walking on the pitch to which I respond yes we are and explain my reason for the offside decision. To which he responds “calm down I was only asking a question” so it’s ok for him to speak to me rudely but the second I raise my voice it’s wrong. Treat others how you expect to be treated

I'd suggest you only give answers to actual questions. The knucklehead didn't ask a question, he was baiting you and had no interest in an explanation. (You also say he came onto the pitch to do it--entering the pitch to confront an official is a send off offense for a coach.) IMO this is one you need to kill right away, not enter into a discussion. You don't say how far onto the pitch he comes, which affect options. If it's just a step, easy to overlook, and just shut it down--"That's enough coach, knock it off." If he comes well onto the pitch, then that's what your red card is for. Somewhere in the middle there might be a caution option as well.

If you are going to have a conversation (again, I wouldn't in this context), instead of going over and starting to explain, consider going over and asking "tell me what you saw" and let him talk. Listen and wait till he runs out of steam. Then say something like, "Thanks for sharing that. Here's what I saw--while your left and center backs were up, your right back was a yard further back when the ball was kicked, keeping 24 onside." If he interrupts, while you are talking, it is then easy to say "Coach, I let you talk, now it's your turn to let me talk."

Remember that you never need to win an argument with a coach or player. You already won by having the whistle and control of the decision. So you don't need to raise your voice--if you feel you've reached the point where you would raise your voice, it's a good sign the coach has gone too far and it is time to pull out the yellow card--very calmly. As the referee, we always want to be the most calm person on the pitch.
 

Anubis

RefChat Addict
A sub for a team I reffed on Sunday wouldn’t shut up and was on a yellow. After shouting “did you not see that one ref” I walked over and said he could either take the whistle and see how he likes it or keep quiet for the rest of the game before he walks.

Subs are fun to deal with.

" listen mate, when you are classed as good enough to come onto the pitch, then we might hear what you have to say"
 

RefIADad

RefChat Addict
Level 7 Referee
Coach says to me we not playing offsides sarcastically and In a rude manner by walking on the pitch to which I respond yes we are and explain my reason for the offside decision. To which he responds “calm down I was only asking a question” so it’s ok for him to speak to me rudely but the second I raise my voice it’s wrong. Treat others how you expect to be treated

In my experience, "I want to ask a question" or "I'd like you to come over here to talk" really means "come over here so I can complain about your decision."

First of all, the coach entered the field without permission, so that's AT LEAST a caution. As @socal lurker said, by the letter of the law entering the pitch to confront an official is a send off. If he's a couple of steps on the field, you can probably get away with a caution. If he clearly comes onto the field so much that everyone on the other sideline can see it, you're probably looking at a send off.

So in this case, don't take the bait. I had this happen to me in a game last fall. I called a questionable penalty kick (honestly, I probably missed the call). At the ensuing water break, the coach "asked" me to come over to talk with him. I knew exactly what he wanted, so I simply said, "Coach, please coach your team". After he continued to bait me, I cautioned him. I got the standard "you're making this all about you" line, but he went back to his team.

There are legitimate times where a coach wants an explanation, and I'm happy to give him/her one if it's warranted. But I keep those either to law interpretations or if I know there was something that was tough to see from the sideline. In most other cases, don't take the bait.
 
Last edited:

RustyRef

Administrator
Staff member
I have always been much harder on managers and coaches than I have players. Their behaviour on the touchline affects how the players behave, and I won't allow a manager or coach ranting and raving as that will affect my match control. They can ask a question if they are being reasonable, but more often than not they don't want to ask a question, they want to berate you. That isn't happening and they will get a yellow card waved at them.
 

Macca

Member
I almost never engage with the sidelines unless I need to issue a warning or card. If they have a question, they can ask at half time or full time. I'm not stopping a match to answer questions for anyone, but I am open to clarifying a decision as the game continues where possible.
When I do go over, almost always it starts with "I'm not having a conversation or discussion about this...." and that's followed by an instruction or warning. I leave when I finish speaking. I have no interest in what their thoughts are. I always try to make clear all decisions I make during a game so there is no confusion.

In the OPs situation, I'd go over to the coach and warn them to stay off the pitch, and that I won't tolerate any type of decent from the sidelines, and that next time I come over, I'll be carding them. No discussion - simple instruction and run back to restart play.
 

Big Cat

RefChat Addict
Level 5 Referee
I have always been much harder on managers and coaches than I have players
I like this piece of advice in general. I'll be giving it some thought with respect to my own game
It's certainly true that misconduct in the TA is reflected on the FOP. I see it with the L4's, whereby behaviour on the side-line is most frequently ignored. It's a very difficult thing to police though. Timing is key, as is assertive, respectful, authoritative, empathetic communication. All advanced competency, which is probably why we don't see Refs having much success in this respect... at any level for that matter
 
Last edited:

JamesL

RefChat Addict
Level 4 Referee
I like this piece of advice in general. I'll be giving it some thought with respect to my own game
It's certainly true that misconduct in the TA is reflected on the FOP. I see it with the L4's, whereby behaviour on the side-line is most frequently ignored. It's a very difficult thing to police though. Timing is key, as is assertive, respectful, authoritative, empathetic communication. All advanced competency, which is probably why we don't see Refs having much success in this respect... at any level for that matter
It's something I would say has come to my attention in my own games over last couple of seasons. And have used with mostly success. Where I have over exuberant benches they are dealt with appropriately and that usually filters into the teams behaviour.
 

Justylove

Premium Member
Premium Member
Level 4 Referee
I like this piece of advice in general. I'll be giving it some thought with respect to my own game
It's certainly true that misconduct in the TA is reflected on the FOP. I see it with the L4's, whereby behaviour on the side-line is most frequently ignored. It's a very difficult thing to police though. Timing is key, as is assertive, respectful, authoritative, empathetic communication. All advanced competency, which is probably why we don't see Refs having much success in this respect... at any level for that matter
From my perspective, in the middle working with neutral AR's on a regular basis there's a few things:

1) I tend to be concentrating on what's happening on the pitch. I've had AR's go 'x was a nightmare today' and I've genuinely not noticed it, because it's been low enough level so as not to reach my radar.
2) My expectation on my senior AR is that they will manage the benches, keep them in order and for the stuff that's not hitting my radar, will decide when they need to get me across to add some backing to them (whether that be a Bo**ocking, Booking or Send Off).
3) If the benches are at the level where I'm noticing it, then I'm happy to take the initiative and deal with it.

Also, as you do teams regularly you also get to know the guys on the bench and how you can deal with them. As an example there's one team that I know other refs have had problems with a certain member of the staff, but I've had occasion to head over to him and go "listen either pack it in or I'm going to have to deal with you" and he's been good as gold. Likewise there is one manager who I've tried everything with previously and the only thing that works is going and nailing him with a yellow at the first opportunity, nothing else curbs his behaviour.
 

RustyRef

Administrator
Staff member
I like this piece of advice in general. I'll be giving it some thought with respect to my own game
It's certainly true that misconduct in the TA is reflected on the FOP. I see it with the L4's, whereby behaviour on the side-line is most frequently ignored. It's a very difficult thing to police though. Timing is key, as is assertive, respectful, authoritative, empathetic communication. All advanced competency, which is probably why we don't see Refs having much success in this respect... at any level for that matter
I binned one manager three times in a season, and every single time his team's behaviour improved markedly after his departure. The captain actually thanked me as he said the manager was annoying him more than he was me. You would have thought he would have learned, but evidently not, and on every occasion I warned him before booting him.
 

Anubis

RefChat Addict
I went through so many seasons semi pro , never having binned a manager ( pre the new cards system)

local derby, close on 1000, asst manager of home team playing up...
words in passing...

usual, hour in, too far, i go over and remove him

" you usually give me a warning first!" he says


" yes and from now on, consider this your warning"


was a guy I got on, and, today still get on well with, point being, by my own methods, he became used to getting the official word first. I reaped what I sewed.

So, kinda made me think we might actually be masters of our own downfall.
we put up with it, we cant have gripes when it continues
 

QuaverRef

I used to be indecisive but now i'm not so sure
Similar to this, I hear a lot of ‘I’m allowed to ask a question’. If that has come from a typically argumentative player, I normally respond with ‘who has allowed that’. I’m yet to receive a straight answer
 

Joshref

Well-Known Member
Level 7 Referee
And when he hold out his hand out for the whistle and says, "Great, I can sure as heck do better than you've been doing."?

Sometimes the cute comebacks work, but they can back fire.
I have seen this happen twice, both at U14, once as spectator, once as player.

Now first game; when I was a player. We played a team a few divisions above us earlier on in the season. We were 6-2 down with 7 minutes to go, and it finished 6-6. Cup game went to extra time and went 7-6. A very dodgy penalty went oppositions way, luckily it was saved. We played them in secondary cup competition, and it was 1-1 late on. Referee, our assistant manager, disallowed a goal by them for a non existent foul. He later made it clear it was revenge for earlier in the season. Away am rightfully kicked off, and he told someone the whistle line. They responded that they wanted the whistle. Referee awkwardly refused and shuffled off, had suddenly lost everyone’s respect, and his match control was ****ed completely.

Second time round, I was spectating a game next to my brothers game. Young ref had enough of a spectator and offered him a whistle, which spectator ****ily accepted. Ref went to his bag, grabbed a cheap looking spare whistle and threw it to the parent, telling them “I’ve already been ****ing paid, thanks for volunteering to finish the game, good luck” before walking off. Luckily spectator didn’t react with anger, just bemusement before realising they had to referee the game and doing it.
 
Top