Now on my second season of refereeing, this season and last season was a level 7 referee. Last season had all the motivation wanted to get promoted up the levels up as soon as possible. Over the course of that season did all range of matches refereed in cup semi-finals as assistant referee for men's cups. Did a friendly as an assistant referee for two division 4/5 no clue how I landed that. Then over the summer after no refereeing for 2 months due to the season ending decided to referee a men's open age friendly. Proceeded to get abused all during the match, didn't use cards as I was worried about violence from the players, afterwards had a mental/emotional breakdown in front of all the players. And now due to that match I've lost all motivation to continue and have no more confidence in the game. So therefore has led to me doing 2 matches so far this season. And advice on how to overcome this? I want to continue but the confidence is just gone completely.
Considering quitting refereeing
- Thread starter Kref
- Start date
Ok, firstly you’ve reached out which is a huge plus.
Confidence is an odd thing, it can come and go at the drop of a hat and we all have bad spells.
I hope you don’t mind me asking where I’m the country you are?
Support is available through mentoring and the like. Have your approached your local Referees Association or FA about this. Sometimes having someone on the end of the phone can do wonders even if they can’t physically be there.
Another option is to switch leagues for a bit. You’re still fairly new to this so if you can find it, maybe there’s a better place for you to develop? Youth football can be brilliant for this.
But if you really have fallen out of love with it that’s ok too. It doesn’t suit everybody. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise has their own agenda that doesn’t include your well-being.
You can take a break and come back. Sometimes it’s what you need to do.
Confidence is an odd thing, it can come and go at the drop of a hat and we all have bad spells.
I hope you don’t mind me asking where I’m the country you are?
Support is available through mentoring and the like. Have your approached your local Referees Association or FA about this. Sometimes having someone on the end of the phone can do wonders even if they can’t physically be there.
Another option is to switch leagues for a bit. You’re still fairly new to this so if you can find it, maybe there’s a better place for you to develop? Youth football can be brilliant for this.
But if you really have fallen out of love with it that’s ok too. It doesn’t suit everybody. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise has their own agenda that doesn’t include your well-being.
You can take a break and come back. Sometimes it’s what you need to do.
I'm at westmorland, I havent reached out to them yet. But I think it'll probably help if i do.
There are contact details for your nearest (loath to say local) RA here. https://www.the-ra.org/find-your-lra/westmorland
Perhaps Peter can help you?
I’m the far end of the country sadly so I’m limited in what I can offer beyond this forum.
Perhaps Peter can help you?
I’m the far end of the country sadly so I’m limited in what I can offer beyond this forum.
socal lurker
RefChat Addict
I don't think it is possible to be a referee to hit these points some time. I did a couple of years ago--I had a sequence of games with a rare tossed player, an ever rarer tossed coach, followed by a disaster of a game where I got coffee dumped on me by a parent. I just wasn't having fun. What worked for me was to drop down and do a few lower level games where the kids were just there to have fun--it reminded me of how much fun I can have doing this silly hobby.
I just left the hospital a week ago thanks to CV and I now need to learn to breathe with and eventually without help.
I have been a referee for years because I love the game. For me, its my motivation to make me make it back.
I will have to accept where this journey ends, but it is still my choice to pursue it.
I would ask for a side before doing a center and that'll be my Spring plan for now.
If anything, find the joy in the game. I have accepted U6 games to remind me of the simple joy of playing for the sake of playing. Just watching the kids can be enough to remind me why they need me.
I have been a referee for years because I love the game. For me, its my motivation to make me make it back.
I will have to accept where this journey ends, but it is still my choice to pursue it.
I would ask for a side before doing a center and that'll be my Spring plan for now.
If anything, find the joy in the game. I have accepted U6 games to remind me of the simple joy of playing for the sake of playing. Just watching the kids can be enough to remind me why they need me.
ladbroke8745
RefChat Addict
I did quit back in 2010 after being assaulted.
It happened during a 6 a side evening league. I was out for 2.5 years.
I have to say, I enjoyed the "free" time. I went and watched my brother on a few occasions and even helped do the line.
After one of the games, the referee approached me and said I should take up the whistle (he didn't know I was a "former" referee, and was a level 5 when I stopped). I thanked him and actually told him my past and he actually said said me that I should give it another go. Start small and go big again.. never let one person ruin if for the thousand others.
I contacted the County fa and had to resit the course (even started back as level 7 again would you believe).
I went straight to level 6 after 2 years but due to relocation (London to NE Scotland) and a break down in relationship, progression stopped, then covid. I still referee and enjoy it more so now than I did before.
Based on what you wrote, can I assume it was just one team giving you problems?
It shows more about them than your game.
I'm not saying open age is for you or not. You didn't say the type of games you done first season. Assume they were youth games, were they young youth or mid/late teens?
I've always thought it was best to grow through the age groups before hitting open age - some do better than others when starting out and can cope but I fear some get too ahead.
Maybe go back to do some 15/16/17s. This may mentally prepare for open age (just as ****y and can be vocal).
At same time, consider joining a step 5 league as assistant.
You'll work with experienced officials, in open age games learning more about open age games and how to best deal with them.
Hope you get the help you need.
It happened during a 6 a side evening league. I was out for 2.5 years.
I have to say, I enjoyed the "free" time. I went and watched my brother on a few occasions and even helped do the line.
After one of the games, the referee approached me and said I should take up the whistle (he didn't know I was a "former" referee, and was a level 5 when I stopped). I thanked him and actually told him my past and he actually said said me that I should give it another go. Start small and go big again.. never let one person ruin if for the thousand others.
I contacted the County fa and had to resit the course (even started back as level 7 again would you believe).
I went straight to level 6 after 2 years but due to relocation (London to NE Scotland) and a break down in relationship, progression stopped, then covid. I still referee and enjoy it more so now than I did before.
Based on what you wrote, can I assume it was just one team giving you problems?
It shows more about them than your game.
I'm not saying open age is for you or not. You didn't say the type of games you done first season. Assume they were youth games, were they young youth or mid/late teens?
I've always thought it was best to grow through the age groups before hitting open age - some do better than others when starting out and can cope but I fear some get too ahead.
Maybe go back to do some 15/16/17s. This may mentally prepare for open age (just as ****y and can be vocal).
At same time, consider joining a step 5 league as assistant.
You'll work with experienced officials, in open age games learning more about open age games and how to best deal with them.
Hope you get the help you need.
ChasObserverRefDeveloper
Regular Contributor
You have taken the most important step by sharing - well done!
Your County FA will have someone trained to put you in touch with specialist support and guidance, and you will also find https://www.thefa.com/about-football-association/heads-up very helpful.
As others have said, refereeing youth football and acting as Assistant Referee on Open Age football would be a sound approach.
Best wishes.
Your County FA will have someone trained to put you in touch with specialist support and guidance, and you will also find https://www.thefa.com/about-football-association/heads-up very helpful.
As others have said, refereeing youth football and acting as Assistant Referee on Open Age football would be a sound approach.
Best wishes.
As everyone has said - I think it’s brave to admit that you’re struggling with it.
I would definitely speak to your local RA or county referees development officer. But open age football can be like that - last weekend for me was no fun, both games were full of agro, however my two midweek games were brilliant - players behaved and good standard of football.
Most important thing is that we do this for fun, if it stops being fun, then you might need to change things, if that is taking a break or doing some assistant refereeing for a bit, that might help you build up confidence levels.
If you need to chat, please feel free to pm.
I would definitely speak to your local RA or county referees development officer. But open age football can be like that - last weekend for me was no fun, both games were full of agro, however my two midweek games were brilliant - players behaved and good standard of football.
Most important thing is that we do this for fun, if it stops being fun, then you might need to change things, if that is taking a break or doing some assistant refereeing for a bit, that might help you build up confidence levels.
If you need to chat, please feel free to pm.
Anubis
RefChat Addict
Agree with the above and esp the just above, this ( for the vast majority worldwide) is a hobby
Folk do hobbies because they enjoy them, find them a rewarding challenge
Folk do not tend to do hobbies which become a chore and, in this case, a fear
Build confidence by communicating with local referees, certainly ease yourself back in my running lines, and, go back to basics, even 9 a side kids, rediscover what made you enjoy refereeing in the first place and build from there.
Folk do hobbies because they enjoy them, find them a rewarding challenge
Folk do not tend to do hobbies which become a chore and, in this case, a fear
Build confidence by communicating with local referees, certainly ease yourself back in my running lines, and, go back to basics, even 9 a side kids, rediscover what made you enjoy refereeing in the first place and build from there.
Am guessing you're a young lad or lassy
I don't think I could've Refereed Open Age when I was younger. I could write a book about overcoming anxiety or being in a bad place, so it's only now I'm in my late 40's that I know myself well enough to 'make a Referee'
You've had an unthinkably bad experience, but imagine a day when you could take the same game in your stride. Adroit, unfazed, in control and respected. To get in the car afterwards and feel 7 foot tall. It's possible, but you need to know and accept your limitations and progress to this day slowly. The slower, the better. I'd love to mentor someone in your position. Shame you're 200 miles away. I'd enjoy seeing your personal development more than that of my own
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I’ve recently taken the step back from amateur football due to the mental fatigue. Sticking to girls and youth football for the time being, no loss of money up here as its the same cost and you get less abuse.
may be worth while looking at alternatives instead of stepping away completely
may be worth while looking at alternatives instead of stepping away completely
It took me 9 hard faught years to get my level 5 I'm looking to go for my 4 next marking season. I been assaulted threatened you name it I've had it so far due to player behaviour I've lost count on how many yellows I've had but so far I've gone over my red card count I've had 7 player behaviour has gone down hill since coming back out of lockdown and my second game in on my over 35s league has been atrocious for player behaviour. All I can say is go out run a few Lines and do a couple of kids games maybe that might help you and yes join your local Ra they will help you to the hill but if you do feel you want to give it up it's up to you God speed.
Justylove
RefChat Addict
I'd echo advice on here. Engage with your local RA and build a network of people who referee that you can talk to, who will really understand.
I find refereeing to be a mix of highs and lows. I've been refereeing 8 years now and I almost quit after my second game! Since then I've considered quitting twice more, including quite recently. First time was because of player behaviour and the second more recently was because of a game I did where all of the feedback I got on the game was great, 22 handshakes at end of a very competitive game, positive feedback from both managers and club secretaries and both of my assistants, however the only person who disagreed with it was the observer who absolutely crucified me. That was more about me wondering why I should bother.
Until you pick up the whistle and actually referee games, you don't realise just how hard it is. It's definitely not for everyone and you need to be thick skinned and mentally strong both to resist pressure in the games from teams wanting to get decisions in their favour and to put bad decisions out of your mind.
Maybe go back to the types of games that you did first up and build some confidence there, do the games that you enjoy and gradually learn your craft. Certainly at youth level for every bad team there is there are many, many more that are well run and respectful and appreciate having a referee turn up and ref their kids.
I find refereeing to be a mix of highs and lows. I've been refereeing 8 years now and I almost quit after my second game! Since then I've considered quitting twice more, including quite recently. First time was because of player behaviour and the second more recently was because of a game I did where all of the feedback I got on the game was great, 22 handshakes at end of a very competitive game, positive feedback from both managers and club secretaries and both of my assistants, however the only person who disagreed with it was the observer who absolutely crucified me. That was more about me wondering why I should bother.
Until you pick up the whistle and actually referee games, you don't realise just how hard it is. It's definitely not for everyone and you need to be thick skinned and mentally strong both to resist pressure in the games from teams wanting to get decisions in their favour and to put bad decisions out of your mind.
Maybe go back to the types of games that you did first up and build some confidence there, do the games that you enjoy and gradually learn your craft. Certainly at youth level for every bad team there is there are many, many more that are well run and respectful and appreciate having a referee turn up and ref their kids.